I’m really into Dr. Brene Brown’s books right now. If you haven’t heard of her and her research, I give you permission to stop reading right this second and give her a quick google search. I was introduced to her when I was in treatment in Arizona and since I’ve been home, I’ve been blown away by her research in human connection, shame, authenticity, and vulnerability. I’ve been listening to her Ted Talks and podcasts, and I’m in the process of reading all of her books. I’m a fast reader, but when I’m reading her books, I realize that I need to slow down a little. There is so much there and I find myself having to stop and reflect on what she has to say often. My copies of Dr. Brown’s books have so many underlines and notes in the margins that it looks like I’m studying for a test. When I read her books, I turn into that kid that doesn’t quite know how to pick out the important things in the text and just underlines everything because “It all sounds important.” Ok, so maybe y'all haven’t had that experience, but I’ve had countless conversations with my students about the very thing that I’m guilty of when I read her books. So maybe I don’t underline every word like some 6th grade students feel the need to, but I’m tempted to! Her stuff is so good!
Anyway, in all my driving to and from Des Moines for appointments lately, I’ve had a lot of quiet thinking time. One thought that has crossed my mind several times since I’ve been home from Arizona is just how much time I’m wasting in the car. Ok, it may not be a waste because I’m going to important appointments that help me to stay in recovery, but all the time in the car just seems like time that I could be using in a better way. People have suggested audiobooks, and I will get there in time. In fact, I just bought a subscription to Audible. However, being so into Brene Brown and her research right now, I’ve been listening to her Ted Talks and podcasts. This past week, I was listening to her Ted Talk called “Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count.” The name caught my eye as I’m trying to care less about what people think of me. I thought it would be a good listen on one of my drives to Des Moines this past week...and it totally blew my mind.
Dr. Brown talks about coming across Theodore Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena” quote. I had never heard the quote before, but it spoke to me. After hearing her talk about how much it changed her life, I was inspired. When I parked my car, I googled it so I could read it again and reflect on what it said.
Driving home now, in the dark, I started thinking about what she says about this Teddy Roosevelt quote and how it connects to recovery. Recovery is hard. Regardless of what you’re recovering from; whether it is alcohol, drugs, an eating disorder, perfectionism, people pleasing, or whatever else you may have been doing in your life and want to be free of, recovery is hard work. It is a commitment that you have to make to yourself every every second of every minute of every single day. Recovery is messy. It isn’t linear. You don’t just go to treatment, and come home better. You don’t just make the decision you want to change and then are magically changed. It is hard work. There are no straight lines, no direct shot to being healthier and free from whatever you are freeing yourself from.
Disclaimer: reading this blog post in no way compares to listening to her and reading her books! I sincerely hope that you will at least take the time to check out her “Why Your Critics Aren’t the Ones Who Count” talk, but just in case, here are her main thoughts about the “Man in the Arena” quote and how it connects to life; whether you are in recovery or not.
1. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about showing up and being seen.
2. If you’re going to show up and be seen, there is only one guarantee. The only guarantee is that you’re going to get your ass kicked. That’s the only certainty you have.
3. If you’re not in the arena, also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.
Wow. Maybe these thoughts don’t blow your mind, but they blow mine. Even after hearing them several times, and then writing them down, I’ve already gone through and read them a few more times. I just can’t get enough of what she is trying to say. As I listened to her Ted Talk again on the way home that night, I reflected on her thoughts and how I could apply them to my life.
1. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about showing up and being seen.
I’ve lived most of my life, striving to be who others want me to be. Living up to everyone else’s expectations of me including my parents, family, teachers, friends, and yes, the critics. The people who don’t care about me, but who watch my life from afar and criticize or gossip when things don’t go quite right. I’ve always been consumed with living up to these expectations and trying and usually failing at being the person that I feel as though I’m expected to be. I’d like to say that I have this figured out now, but I still struggle. However, when I was at the Ranch, I was challenged with something by my amazing therapist. Two words: Show up. I have a whole other blog post coming on this topic, but for now, I’ll just say that these two words have changed my life. Starting in Arizona, and now since I’ve been home, that is my goal. Show up. Don’t show up as the person everyone wants me to be. Show up as my true, authentic self. Be honest about my story, and do the work. There’s no winning or losing in recovery. It’s not tangible like that. But if I show up and do the work every day, I will be able to stay in recovery and recreate my life in the way that I want to live it.
2. If you’re going to show up and be seen, there is only one guarantee. The only guarantee is that you’re going to get your ass kicked. That’s the only certainty you have.
Ugh. I hate this one, but this is also very true. If you’re showing up and doing the work every day, you are invested in what you’re doing. Yes, investment is awesome, but the more invested you are, the more it hurts when someone criticizes you or when you fail. I’ve lived as a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and I hate to fail. I’ve struggled to fight through the adversity of failing or being criticized by others. Therefore, I’ve always stayed away from situations where it’s likely I will fail (aka anything new or creative, no matter how cool it sounds). I’ve held myself back, made myself small, and not put myself out there because I could not deal with getting my ass kicked. The past few months, I’ve realized that living my life in this way has resulted in a lot of regret and unhappiness. If I’m going to be truly happy and fulfilled, I’m going to have to increase my investment in everything, including my life and recovery, and go into these new and exciting situations knowing that I will fail or be criticized. Yes, I will get my ass kicked. Yes, it will suck sometimes. But no, it will not kill me. No matter how uncomfortable the failure and criticism are, I will survive and be ok.
3. If you’re not in the arena, also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.
This one is my favorite. This was Dr. Brown’s big realization after reading the Theodore Roosevelt quote. I love this thought, because it applies directly to the new leaf that I’m trying to turn over in my life. I have cared far too long what people think of me, my accomplishments, my struggles, and my choices. I’ve made decisions based off of what I think people expect of me, and still have received negative feedback. This has been heartbreaking, doing things that I don’t even really want to do because I think they’re expected, and then getting criticized anyway. It’s not worth it to me anymore. I want to make my own choices and to do what makes ME happy. If I’m going to stay in recovery, and continue to keep showing up and letting myself be seen, there are going to be situations that I’m going to get my ass kicked. We’ve been over that. However, I’m striving to be far less interested in someone’s feedback if they’re not also in the arena. If they’re not showing up every day in their own life, letting themselves be seen, making an effort to make themselves healthier or trying to better themselves in some way, I can’t let myself be brought down by their criticism. If someone is not in the arena also getting their ass kicked, they have no right to criticize my fight.
In saying this, it is still important to listen to others’ feedback and criticism. As I listened, I started getting myself all pumped up and thinking thoughts such as Yeah! I shouldn’t care what others think! What other people think don’t matter! Even up above, as I reflected on this topic, I fall into that black and white thinking. If I’m going to do what is right for me, then I should listen to no one else. If I’m going to stop listening to some people, it’s just easier to stop listening to everyone. NO. My black and white thinking strikes again. I realized that this is not what Dr. Brown was trying to say. We still need to be open to other people’s thoughts and feedback, we just need to pick and choose what people we turn to for those things. We don’t need to listen to the critics.The people we need to turn to are the people in their own arena fighting their own fights.
“When we stop caring what people think, we lose our capacity for connection.”
She makes this very clear in saying, “When we stop caring what people think, we lose our capacity for connection.” So when I get all gung-ho about not caring what people think, I’m cutting myself off from the people in my life. When I say that I’m going to do what I want and not care what anyone else thinks, I’m in turn denying myself connections with the people I need the most. Therefore, as I’ve thought about this for the past week or so, I’ve realized just how much I need my people. The people that push my thinking, that challenge me, and that I can have deep, authentic conversations with. The people that have walked this journey with me and that truly and sincerely want the best for me and want me to be happy. The people in my life that are fighting their own battles in their own arenas, that know what it means to get their ass kicked and to keep going. These are the people that I need in my corner to support me when I fail and to help pick me up and dust me off when I fall and encourage me to keep going.
"If you're not failing, you're not really showing up."
As a person that hates to fail, this last quote from Dr. Brown is going up on my bathroom mirror: “If you’re not failing, you’re really not showing up.” This is a toughie, but this is SO important for me to remember as I continue to walk through this recovery process. Not every day is going to be easy, heck, there aren’t many days that will be. There will be bumps in the road. There will be relapses. Many times, three steps backward will accompany my two steps forward. But in saying all of this, I now know that failures don’t mean that it’s over. Failing doesn’t mean that I’m incompetent or worthless or hopeless. Failures mean that I’m invested, that I’m showing up, and that I’m a real and imperfect human being just doing the best that I can. I’m going to keep showing up, and when those failures come, I’m blessed to have people in my corner that will pick me up, dust me off, and encourage me to keep going.
You write from the heart with deep insights into you life how to want to live and those around you. Your journey has been difficult but you are seeing the way ahead on your own terms.
Love recovery diagram & will be checking this author out.