Even If It Takes 1,000 Times

The past month or so has been pretty rough in my world. When things get rough, the less the words come--in all ways. Whether it’s small talk at work, at support group, journaling, therapy, or blogging, I just go quiet. I know that about myself and the people that are closest to me know that the quieter I get, the more of an indicator that things are not going well. Because “peopling” is a struggle right now, I spent the majority of my weekend on the couch, with my hood on, buried in blankets with Rocky. It’s not always a good thing, but sometimes letting my body and brain rest is just what I need, which was the story of this weekend.

Lately, I haven’t been able to focus on TV or movies, but this weekend I actually finished two different movies. One, Doctor Sleep, was a guilty pleasure for Gabe and I, who joined me in my cocooned position on my couch. The other, I’ve been wanting to see for awhile and just hadn’t gotten to it yet. After writing my favorite books blog, it reminded me just how much I wanted to watch The Shack. At first, I didn’t want to watch it because I didn’t want it to ruin the book for me. But after some research, I read that it was good and decided to give it a try. IT WAS SO GOOD. Yeah, the book is better, but I’ll always be a loyal member of the “But the book was better" club. Even so, I still thought the movie was really good. There are so many good parts and so many good quotes, but one in particular stood out to me:

“You may have to do it 1,000 times before it gets easier, but it will.”

When I heard this quote, I paused the movie and just sat there. This quote literally punched me in the gut. How many times have I heard a version of this quote over the past year and a half? Yes, Papa may have been telling Mack this in relation to forgiveness, but it applies to so much more than just the context it was used for in the movie. Although I have heard something like it so many times, worded this way, it so perfectly encompasses this journey that I’ve found myself on.

The past few weeks especially, I keep asking, “When does it get better?” I’ve asked my family, my friends, my dietitian, my therapists. I just want someone to tell me that through this arduous schedule and all the hard work, that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. That’s all I want to know. That it will get easier, and preferably, that things will get easier soon. I’ve always stuck to the fact that I can get through anything, as long as I can see the end. But I’ve learned the hard way, in this long journey of recovering from an eating disorder as well as PTSD and other assorted mental health issues, it’s unfortunately not linear. And if it’s not linear, more often than not, there’s not going to be a visible light at the end of the tunnel. People can tell you that things will eventually get better, get easier, yet no one can tell you when or how. As a rigid perfectionist, this has been a pretty tough pill to swallow.

Although I feel like I’m usually pretty good at words, there are times like lately that I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t find the right ones to explain how I’m feeling. Coming off of National Eating Disorder Awareness week, I feel like there’s been a lot of things out there in the media that have refocused my attention back to that piece of my life. I mean, as much as it is possible for my mind to stray from it, which is not very far. What people don’t understand who haven’t struggled with an eating disorder, even if you have struggled with other mental health struggles, how hard each moment of every day is. Yes, it’s similar to addictions to drugs and alcohol, in that you have to fight it each and every moment. However, it’s nothing like recovery from an alcohol or drug addiction because you cannot refrain from food for the remainder of your life. You have to eat to survive. So as you are trying to keep yourself in recovery and stay focused, you have to face your biggest enemy/struggle/addiction at least three times a day, usually more, plus every other moment that you see someone else eating, hear someone talking about food, see a commercial on TV, go to the grocery store, and on and on. You get the picture. It’s a moment by moment struggle and as much as I wish I could put it into words, I just can’t.

No matter how hard you work, there are inevitably times that you are going to get off track or make a mistake. In treatment, they tell you “To make the next right choice.” You’re always going to make mistakes, but if you can make the next right choice, you will never get too far off track. When hearing that, in my mind, I assumed it got easier the more you made that next right choice. I might also have a little millenial in me, because in my search for instant gratification, I also assumed that as long as you were working hard, that it would happen sooner rather than later. I figured I could just work hard and will it into fruition. Evidently, I was wrong. Because I’m a lot of right choices in, with several mistakes sprinkled in, and I don’t feel much farther along than I did a couple months ago. That is what is so frustrating to me. How SLOWLY the supposed progress that I’m making is taking.

Trust the process. There’s another common slogan when it comes to recovery, but also sports and anything else that takes hard work to move you farther along on your journey. I used to hate these words honestly. I thought they were not only super annoying, but also, well, bullshit. What the hell is the process and who says it’s going to work? Why should I trust something that I can’t see the end of? Or know what it will entail? That’s the stubbornness coming out in me. I hated the idea of pouring myself into something that I didn’t know all the details of, or whether or not it would even work.

But that’s exactly what you have to do when fully commit yourself to recovery. No, you don’t know what will happen. You don’t know what the road will look like, how long it is or the obstacles that will stand in your way. You don’t know how many times you will break down, go backwards, or lose the road altogether. You don’t know if you will ever find the end of the road, or if the road even has an end. But, at least in my case, I looked at my life and realized that what I was doing was not enjoyable, productive, healthy, and most definitely not sustainable. Even though I didn’t know what the journey would look like along the way or even at the end, I decided to set off down the road anyway. The journey really sucks sometimes, actually, most times at this point. The road is bumpy and uncomfortable and lonely. But through it all, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to the journey and to trust the process, and have faith that somewhere through the darkness of this tunnel, there is a light out there somewhere and that light brings brighter, happier, more fulfilling days. Trusting the process feels impossible sometimes, but somewhere down the road, I’m trusting that the road gets smoother and that through it all, this process is refining me into the person that I’m supposed to be.

I may have to do it 1,000 times before it gets easier. I may have to eat 1,000 exchanges on my meal plan. Reach out 1,000 times to my people when things get dark. Reframe exercise 1,000 times in my mind before, during, and after each workout. Meditate and breathe 1,000 times at my resonant frequency. Maybe it will take more than 1,000 times. Maybe it will look more like 10,000 or 100,000 or 1,000,000 times. But eventually, somehow, if I keep making the next right choice, letting my people in, and trusting the process, it has to get easier. Right? That’s what I’m going to keep telling myself anyway. No, there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel right now. It may seem like things will be this hard forever. I guess if that’s how it has to be, then it is. But for today, I’m going to believe God’s words in The Shack, and believe that although it may take a lot of times, it will get easier.