Happy National Eating Disorder Awareness week! The theme for this year’s week is “Come As You Are: Hindsight is 2020.” NEDA is encouraging people to reflect and share what they wish they had known before and share it with others, so that is what I’m going to try and do.
Something that I learned over this past year is that eating disorders start a lot earlier than I ever thought. Statistics vary, but the onset of many eating disorders coincide with puberty and sometimes even before then. While I was in treatment, we didn’t have any contact with the girls in the adolescent house. However, I was told that they had had patients as young as 9 in their facility, which absolutely blew my mind. I soon started to realize that eating disorders were more prevalent, especially in kids, than I ever knew.
This knowledge weighs heavily on my mind as I teach my Health & Wellness intervention at school. At the beginning of each new session, I ask the students to tell me “what being healthy looks like.” The first answer every time? “Eating healthy.” Every time, I know this is going to come up, and every time, I cringe internally. I’ve sure learned a lot through the past year or two about what eating healthy truly is and am just now able to start sorting through all the messages that diet culture has seared into my brain and what true health actually means. Each time, I hope that this set of students will be untouched by the skewed views of diet culture, and each time, I am crushed to hear that they are in fact, not.
During the food part of my teaching, I’m constantly living in fear of somehow saying something wrong to “ruin them.” Typing it out, it sounds kind of silly. However, I know that the smallest things can stick in your brain for a long time, and I want to make sure that I’m putting forth a positive, productive, yet accurate view of what eating healthy truly means. The worst part? Teaching truly accurate facts about eating healthy usually in one way or another, contradicts things that students’ parents (or other teachers) have taught them (because=diet culture). So it’s an interesting tightrope walk between teaching the facts and being body positive, while also not straight-up calling their parents liars. As I try and walk this tightrope, I feel as though I’m under a sort of gag-order, because in reality, I’m not there to cause waves between students and their parents, or me and their parents. I ALWAYS tell the kids that I’m not an expert on any of the topics and most definitely am not a doctor. I’m just trying my best to give them tools for their toolboxes and facts based on solid research, so that they can move forward and make their own decisions.
As I reflected on this, I started to think about all the things that I would say if I felt like I could. Hence, this letter. Here are all the things that I wish I could say to my students, and the things that I wish someone would have told a younger me.
An Open Letter to my Twelve Year Old Students (and in some ways, to twelve year old me):
You’re perfect just the way you are. You could be thinking that I’m lying to you when I say that, or that maybe it applies to everyone else except for you. I know that feeling. You may think that your body definitely is not perfect. Or maybe you haven’t thought a lot about your body until recently. Either way, I know that you might not be buying it, because unfortunately “perfection,” or what people think it means, is usually put up on a pedestal and feels really unattainable. But here’s the thing. I’m not talking about perfect as in the flawless and photoshopped type of perfect. I’m talking about perfect as in the “imperfectly, unique, you are the only you in this world and that is beautiful'' kind of perfect. Let me explain.
Everywhere you look, you’re being told that you need to be skinny to be pretty. To be healthy. To be popular. To be athletic. To be liked. To be noticed. You’re feeling like that, because society is telling you these things. As you scroll through your social media, you probably see ads for diets. Ones that promise that they will make you lose weight fast. You see impossibly skinny models and as you look at their bodies, you wonder why yours doesn’t look like theirs. You start to wonder if your body will ever look like theirs. You might start making plans to make your body look more like the ones you’re constantly seeing.
Here’s what you don’t know. Most, actually, almost all, of those bodies that you see aren’t even real. They are photoshopped and every single blemish and imperfection is wiped away. Even those perfect bodies aren't actually perfect. They just don’t want you to know that. All bodies are different, just like all people are different. However, when you look at all these “perfect” bodies, they take away all the imperfections and unique qualities that make each body it’s own. Next time you open your social media, see a magazine in the checkout line at the grocery store, or watch TV, I want you to keep that in mind. Next time you find yourself wishing your body looked like one you see in the media, I want you to keep in mind that that model or actor/actress is probably feeling the same way. That impossible standard of beauty that you’re surrounded with is exactly that, impossible. No body is meant to be “perfect” in the ways that society tells you that they need to be, but know this, each body is perfect in its own way because it’s yours and it’s unique.
Your body is going through an insane amount of changes right now, or will really soon. Puberty and all of that. I know that you cringe when you hear that word and get embarrassed, but what’s happening to you is very real and very normal. You might look in the mirror one day and not recognize the body that’s staring back at you. And that’s scary. But I want you to hear me, it is normal for your body to grow bigger and taller and change shape during this time. It might feel weird and uncomfortable. It might seem like it’s only happening to you. It’s not. You’re not the only one feeling the way you do. If you’re questioning whether or not something happening to your body is normal or not, it probably is. But I also know that asking someone you trust can put your mind at ease as well. Find an adult you trust and ask questions, it’s ok! It happened to us too.
Speaking of adults, you might hear some of them making comments about their bodies, or about other people’s bodies. You might hear them say, “Look at me, I shouldn’t eat that” or “I’m going to eat one of these, I’m so bad,” when they’re offered certain types of foods. You might hear someone call someone else fat. My wish for you is that you wouldn’t have to hear these things. But I know that in the world we’re living in right now, you probably will. You probably have already. I hope that you can remember these words in those moments and know that it’s ok to eat foods that sound good. It’s ok to eat candy and sweets and desserts if you want to. Food is never good or bad and eating food, any kind of food, will never make YOU good or bad. Eating food fuels our bodies and allows us to do all the cool things that we do like playing with our friends, playing sports, playing video games, doing school work, learning new things, or even doing TikTok dances or walking up all the flights of stairs at school. Your body needs fuel to live and play and have fun, and there are all sorts of foods that can give you that energy.
It’s ok to have balance in what you eat and to try and make healthy choices. But it’s also ok to eat foods that sound good to you too. If you hear someone talking about taking a whole food group out of their diet or talking about how they can’t eat a certain food because it will make them gain weight, I want you to remember a few things. First, your body is really smart, and it knows what to do with the food you eat, regardless of what that food may be. Next, your body needs a balanced diet to function at its best, that means eating foods from all of the food groups. Not eating any foods of a certain food group is just depriving your body of important vitamins, minerals, and nutrients that it needs to work at an optimal level. Therefore, next time you hear those things about food, I want you to know that you don’t necessarily have to listen because your body already knows what to do with the foods you eat, no matter what it is that you’re eating at that moment.
I know that when you’re in middle school, sometimes people can be really mean. Sometimes those people can be mean to you. Sometimes it’s your friends, or even you, that can be unkind. I also know that picking on people because of their bodies is one of the popular insults in middle school. It’s also a popular insult for adults too, unfortunately. If someone is being unkind to you about your body, please tell an adult! It’s not ok for anyone to be unkind to you, and it’s not ok for anyone to make comments about your body. Also, keep in mind that it’s not ok for anyone to make comments about anyone’s else’s bodies, at all. Ever. Sometimes we assume that people who are in bigger bodies are unhealthy or that there is something wrong with having a bigger body. I hope that you will keep in mind that again, everyone’s body is different and what your body looks like does not make you better than or less than anyone else. And what someone else's body looks like does not make them better than or less than you.
A really awesome thing about your body is that it allows you to move around and be active. Being active is good and helps your body to stay healthy. Here’s the thing though. When you see adults complaining about working out or not seeming to enjoy how they’re moving their bodies, that’s not how it has to be. Moving your body and being active should be fun, not torture. Moving your body should be about doing something that you enjoy, being out in nature, or doing something that makes you feel good. Not about losing weight or changing your body. When you’re a kid, you have lots of opportunities to try new things. Try as many new ways to be active as you can so you can start finding the kinds of movement that are your favorites. You don’t need to suffer through workouts. Your body is made to move in ways that feel good and are fun. Always remember that.
As you get older, you’re going to hear lots of things about bodies and food. I hope that through it all, you can remember that your body is yours to take care of, and in turn, it will take care of you too. By fueling it well and taking care of it, you’re giving your body the energy to go out and have all sorts of adventures and achieve all sorts of amazing things. So regardless of all the negative things you will undoubtedly hear as you get older, remember, your body is the only thing that will be with you through it all. It’s there for you to love and take care of, and in turn, it will love and take care of you back.
So back to my original point, you are so perfectly YOU. There is no one else in this world that looks like, thinks like, acts like, or loves exactly like you do. That’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. You are so uniquely perfect just the way you are. There’s nothing that can change that, ESPECIALLY your appearance. Your worth is not based on what your body looks like, how toned your muscles are, or what the scale says. Come back to this truth often, because you’re so much more than the reflection in the mirror, the number on a scale, or your athletic accomplishments. No matter what, you are important, you are loved, and you are YOU, which is the most perfect thing that you could ever be. 💜
Your well crafted message is one that all of need to take to heart as we learn to value our own bodies and care for others. Your students are fortunate to have you to guide them in the best way you can. Your words remind of Mr. Rogers words to young folks and to all of us,"I like you just the way you are."