Well, today is the one year anniversary of when I came home from treatment for (hopefully) the last time. You all may be thinking that there seems to be a lot of anniversaries celebrated on this blog, and you’d be right. I’m a big believer in keeping track of days and years and times that mark important milestones, and this one just may be one of the biggest. The last time I came home from treatment, I was home for less than six months before I had to go back. So celebrating being home and being mostly healthy for a whole year feels like a pretty big deal.
I think a big reason I keep track of dates and anniversaries is that I’m a pretty nostalgic and sentimental person. I enjoy looking back on memories and remembering what I was doing on this day in the past. My Timehop app and Facebook memories have been a good way for me to be able to do this. Sometimes it makes me sad, but usually, I genuinely enjoy looking back at all the cool things I’ve been able to do and all the times I’ve been able to spend with the people closest to me.
As I opened my Timehop app this morning and flipped through all the beautiful desert pictures and videos they allowed me to take before I hopped on a plane back to Iowa, I couldn’t help but to reflect back on that day. That day was so bittersweet. I can still feel that homesick feeling I felt deep in my gut, which was odd because I was going “home.” But somehow, I still felt like my heart was being ripped in two. I wanted to go home to my family and my life, yet, I knew that I would be leaving a piece of my heart there in the desert with the people that I consider my second family. Unlike the first time I was there, I was not begging them to keep me because I wasn’t ready to go home. This time, I was ready to go home and felt equipped to go home and stay in recovery. I was just devastated that I was having to leave the people that I had fully let in and was having a hard time wrapping my head around not being able to see and talk to some of my favorite people every day.
Looking through the pictures, reflecting on that day and all of those big feelings, I started thinking about the long road it’s been to get to this point. As I lay in bed this morning thinking about the past couple of years, I read the quote I have on a print in my bedroom for probably the thousandth time. It’s an Atticus quote and I actually was introduced to it when it hung up in my therapist’s office at the Ranch the first time I was there. I fell in love with it and decided I needed it for my house. Now, I find myself standing in front of it as I brush my teeth or hair, or as I’m getting dressed and thinking about it daily. This morning, it just hit different and really started to help me look at the tumultuous last few years of my life in a different light.
She wasn’t born herself
she found herself
over a long
and treacherous road
and the more treacherous
the road became
the more of
herself
she found.
-Atticus
“She wasn’t born herself, she found herself.” Wow. I mean, isn’t there some truth to that? Yes, I believe that we have basic tenets of ourselves and our personalities from birth, but I also believe that the events and people that we have in our lives shape us in bigger ways than we can even imagine.
“And the more treacherous the road became, the more of herself she found.” I think that is so very profound. The events that happen in our life, good and bad, shape who we are. But at least for me, it’s been the hard things, the painful things, the ugly things that have shaped me into the person that I am today. Because I’ve known pain and suffering, I’m able to appreciate the joys and beauty of life even more. All of the things that I’ve had to go through, as hard as they have been, have shown me how strong I really am. If I could go back and erase things, or change things, I used to think that I would want to. I used to wish I could just be a “normal” person who didn’t struggle with mental health issues, or have to go to treatment, or could be married and have kids right now like many of my peers.
Yet, in the past year or so, I’ve realized that I wouldn’t go back and change anything. I’ve made more growth in the past few years, learned more about myself, and become more self-aware and mature and empathetic to others’ struggles than I ever could have without going through the things I’ve gone through. I’ve met people who have profoundly changed me and my outlook, people that will be in my life forever. I’ve begun to figure out which people are truly in my corner and the ones that are only around when things are good or when they want or need something. I’ve started to trust myself more, and have been practicing sinking into my deepest intuition or my “knowing” (thanks Glennon) to make decisions that are going to be the best for me. I’ve practiced setting boundaries with people and using the word “no” more, even if it means someone could be mad or disappointed in me. I’ve learned that I can do hard things and that even my lowest lows are survivable. I truly have found that the more treacherous the road has become for me, the more of myself I have found.
The past few years have been difficult. My family and close friends reading this are probably shaking their heads and thinking, “That’s an understatement.” I admit, I’ve been pretty difficult to love and care about the past couple of years. In my defense, I feel the same way about myself. It’s been a treacherous road for sure. Do I think the treachery of the road of my life is over now? Doubtful. But I am so thankful to have made it to this point and to have learned all of the things I’ve learned and met all of the people I’ve met. There truly were blessings and joy sprinkled all over that road, I just didn’t always see it.
One year down. It feels really good to be able to say that. I hope that July 29, 2019 will be my last treatment anniversary to celebrate. I hope that I will get to return back to the desert many more times, for fun this time, instead of necessity. I hope next year on this day, I will be celebrating two years home and healthy. Most of all, I hope that regardless of how treacherous the road may get, I can always see the beauty in the journey.
