Be Where Your Feet Are

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of scrolling through Pinterest. Admittedly, I scroll through Pinterest when I’m looking for inspiration or when I’m looking for answers. Why I think Pinterest is the right place to look is beyond me, but as I scroll through and read through quotes, it never fails that I find one that speaks to me. I’ve told y’all this before but I’m in love with words. Even more so, I love words that can speak my heart when I can’t seem to find the right ones on my own.

Scrolling through Pinterest last night in bed, when I should have been sleeping, I came upon a quote I don’t remember seeing before. It said, “Be where your feet are.” My thumb stopped scrolling and I clicked on it to make it bigger. “Be where your feet are.” So simple, yet so profound. I sat and looked at it in the darkness of my bedroom, Rocky snoring beside me, and thought about this quote and what it could mean for me and my life. As I looked at it, three letters came into my head: DBT.

One of my least favorite groups when I first got to treatment was DBT. One of my favorite groups when I left treatment was...DBT. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and hearing those three letters used to make my skin crawl. I hated DBT. Granted, I usually hate things that are hard for me (and DBT is) and I have also been known to hate things that are good for me (which, DBT is). So therefore, I had a burning hatred within me for all things DBT.

Keeping my explanation of what DBT is to one paragraph will not do it justice, and I’m sure won’t be exactly how others would describe it, but I’ll do my best. Dialectics are in short, two opposing things being true at once. Sounds confusing right? DBT works to help you find self acceptance in your situation, while at the same time, improving your situation, whatever that may be. It focuses on four main skill aspects: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. As I’m writing this, I can feel you all getting bored, but I promise this connects with what I’m talking about...the mindfulness piece in particular.

After being introduced to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy my first time in treatment in Chicago, when I saw it on the schedule board when I arrived at the Ranch, I stubbornly wrote it off as something that I hated and something that I already KNEW wouldn’t work. I kept this attitude for the first half of my time in Arizona. I would roll my eyes and sigh obnoxiously when I went to group and was asked to sit still, close my eyes, and take deep breaths. Instead, I would sit there, my legs jiggling up and down, and made sure to keep my eyes wide open (mature, I know). We were often asked to “be mindful” of our surroundings and feelings, to be present in that moment, and to not let our minds wander to the past or the future. This was something that was super hard for me, and I did not like it one bit. I quickly became sick of the word mindfulness, and pretty much turned my mind off whenever I heard it.

Shockingly enough, mindfulness was one of the hard lessons I believe I was meant to learn in the desert. Through coincidence, or what I believe was God’s perfect plan, they changed my therapist halfway through my time at the Ranch. All of a sudden, the therapist at the front of the room teaching DBT wasn’t just a therapist that I saw a few times a week in group, she was MY therapist and she had been watching me fight tooth and nail against every mindfulness activity she planned since I had arrived. And now that I was “hers,” it became something she had me start doing in my individual sessions, where I didn’t have the choice to not participate. She would make me sit back in the chair, stop jiggling my leg, become still, and take my deep breaths. I hated it at first, mostly because of how uncomfortable it was for me to be still and to be present. However, as time went on, my stubbornness subsided, and I realized that there was something to this mindfulness thing after all, including the deep breathing that I used to think was really stupid and worthless.

Being able to be STILL, mindful, and be present in the moment was something I was terrible at when I arrived at the Ranch. When I left the Ranch, I was a little less terrible, but still pretty bad at it. Knowing what I know about myself, like I said before, the things that I really hate to do tend to be the things that are best for me, and this is no exception. I practiced being in the moment, being mindful of my surroundings, not future-tripping and planning ahead. I practiced being where my feet are. Fully present in that place, and nowhere else. I may not have heard it said exactly like that until I saw it on Pinterest, but being where your feet are is really the same thing as the mindfulness skill I’ve been practicing through DBT.

“Be where your feet are.” I can’t think of anything else that is harder for me during this season of my life. This season where comparison runs rampant in my brain, as I see my peers getting married and having kids. This season where nothing feels quite right, and I’m endlessly wondering if I’m where I need to be, and if not, where I’m meant to go. This season where I seem to be counting down the hours, the days, and the weeks instead of fully living them. This season where nothing seems good enough, and happiness seems out of reach. This season where I spend hours upon hours worrying about the future, and ruminating on thoughts of self pity. Even in my happiest moments these past few months, spending time in Michigan where my heart is full and happy, and playing with my nephew, the anxiety about where I am and where I should be never fully shuts off. To be honest, I’m not sure when the last time was that I was truly present where my feet were, and thinking about it in that way, my anxiety and unhappiness all of a sudden make a lot of sense.

“Be where your feet are.” These words are never said in the bible, but I feel like they are pretty applicable to Jesus’ teachings. How many times does God tell us to not be anxious, to not worry, to not be afraid? I’m no bible scholar, but I know it’s a lot. He tells us “Do not be anxious about anything” and “Do not worry about your life” and “Be strong, do not fear.” There are so many verses that all have the same overarching message:

Be where your feet are. Don’t worry. God’s got this.

The past couple of months, I’ve been full of doubt and worry. I’ve not done a good job at being where my feet are. I’ve not done a good job at being mindful. And I’ve definitely not done a good job at trusting God’s plan and His perfect timing for my life. After all the lessons I learned when I was away, since being home, I’ve been wrapped up in trying to control everything. Instead of feeling more in control, things have increasingly felt more out of control.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been specifically praying for a sign. A sign telling me what I should be doing and where I should be going. I’ve been pleading with God to talk to me and to lead me in the right direction. Just now, through writing this, I’ve come to a realization. Maybe He has been speaking to me all along. Maybe I should be less focused on where I’m going, and trust that He has that under control. Maybe, instead, He just wants me to be where my feet are.