Before 30 Checklist

Ok, I’m not sugarcoating anything in this one. This is brutal, honest truth.

I’ve been reflecting a lot this past week about time and life and our plan vs. God’s plan. Deep stuff, I know.

Maybe you all can relate, but I had a pretty clear picture/plan for my life leading up to age 30. Well, I’m less than a month away from turning 29 and I can pretty much guarantee that there’s no way that I’m achieving everything that I planned to achieve by age 30.

As a teen and young adult, 30 years old seemed like a long way away. It was that magic number that I assumed that I would have most things achieved by. Well, the “important” things anyway. Husband, kids, career, house, a more clear picture of my future. It’s not the I planned it really, but I just ASSUMED that this is where my life would lead. Little did I know what life had in store for me in my twenties. I’m actually very grateful that I couldn’t see into the future, because I’m not sure I would have wanted to stick around to see it all. In saying that, looking back on these nine years of my twenties, I’m glad that I did.

You see, although my twenties aren’t quite over, I know already that they haven’t turned out the way that I thought they would. This makes me really sad, and there’s been a bit of self pity going on if I’m being honest. For example, my younger brother just had his second baby this past week. Don’t get me wrong, Auntie Cassie is THRILLED and so in love with those two perfect little guys that I get to call nephews. But all of it has brought up a lot of feelings and thoughts about me and what’s in store for my future.

This week, I’ve found myself checking off boxes in my head. Something my therapist told me that I shouldn’t do, but I do anyway. I’ve been looking at life as a checklist, as something that I’m either succeeding or failing at, and checking off boxes to prove my worth or maybe to comfort myself that I’m on the “right track.” But this “right track” that people speak of, who’s it according to? Who created those boxes that I’m checking off? All these expectations that twenty-somethings feel, where do they even come from?

According to my own personal checklist, before age 30 I was to accomplish:

• Career

• Pay off student loans

• Buy a house

• Buy a car

• Get married

• Have babies

As I sit back and look at this checklist, I realize I’m doing ok. More than ok actually. I can check off 4/6. But those two bottom ones, those are the biggies. The ones that hurt my heart. They are the ones that I feel that people expect. If you don’t have those, you are made to feel like something’s wrong with you or that you’re failing.

I look at my brother and his beautiful family. I scroll through Facebook and see pictures of my old high school and most of my college friends’ families. As happy as I am for all of them, I can’t help but to feel jealous and unworthy. I find myself getting angry at God, for not helping me to check off all the boxes, for not letting my life go according to my well-thought out plan. I feel bitter looking back over the chaotic, sad mess that are my twenties and feeling very discouraged.

However, as I’ve reflected, I’ve also come to the conclusion that things change. Things actually change pretty fast most of the time. One of my friends at work and I were just talking about how each day seems to drag, but the weeks go by so fast. I think that this is generally true in life as well. As discouraging or sad or frustrating as things may be in the moment, you soon find yourself looking back on that time in the past. The more time you put between yourself and that bad time, the easier it is to see that time for what it was.

That’s how I’m starting to see my twenties. There were days that I didn’t think I would survive through the next minute, let alone the next hour, day, week, or year. But here I am. I survived. The past six years or so have been pretty rough, but looking back on them now, I would never change any of it. As a result of my mental health struggles throughout the past few years, I’ve been afforded some pretty amazing opportunities. Maybe not Instagram-worthy vacation moments, but opportunities to see the human condition in its purest forms. Moments I wouldn’t trade for anything. The intimate, emotional moments that I’ve been blessed to observe have completely changed my life, including how I interact with and see people. These beautiful, raw, real parts of life that I didn’t put on my “Before 30 Checklist” because I couldn't even have imagined them.

So, as I’ve sat in this self pity and bitterness, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve also listened to a lot of music, my go-to when I get sick of the round and round of my busy brain. A song that has continued to pop up on my playlists and radio consistently throughout this time is the song, “Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship. The lyrics to this song continue to hit me in the gut each and every time, just the same as they did the first time I heard it:

I count on one thing

The same God that never fails

Will not fail me now

You won't fail me now

In the waiting

The same God who's never late

Is working all things out

You're working all things out

In this season of waiting, God has been teaching me some serious patience. This race that I’ve been running in my twenties has been pretty intense and humbling at times. I’ve tried sprinting to the finish line that I created, just to fall on my face. I’ve watched those around me run past me as I’ve laid on the ground. I’ve fallen, picked myself up, and fallen again more times than I can count. It seems like I’m bringing up the rear, watching everyone run in front of me and reach the finish line where I’m still back falling down and getting up again and again, moving in the right direction, but at a painfully slow pace. Through all of this, it seems like all I’ve been doing is waiting, and it’s getting so old watching everyone else fly past me.

But each time this song comes on, it reminds me that in this season of waiting, “God is working all things out.” Things may not be happening at MY pace or according to MY plan. I may not be able to check everything off of my “Before 30 Checklist” like I had hoped for. But as this song reminds me, God’s timing is always perfect and He’s never late.

Even in the lowest of valleys, God has been there, quietly orchestrating the events of my life in the most perfect of ways. The past year is the perfect example of his amazing works in my life, working in the most powerful, beautiful ways among the most dire and painful of circumstances.

As I look back in awe at the amazing things that He has done in my life the past year, and reflect on just how far I’ve come, I’m starting to wonder why I’m stressed about my checklist at all. You’d think that I would have learned by now, but I’m a bit stubborn. However, as I think about it now, God has always come through for me. Maybe not how I pictured it, or prayed for it, but everything has turned out ok.

I can’t promise that I will never again think about my “Before 30 Checklist” with longing in my heart, wondering when my time will come. I will probably still struggle with some bitterness, sadness, and anger. But through it all, I will continue to remind myself that it’s not about MY plan, but HIS plan.

Someday, I will look back on this time and shake my head at myself and my impatience and frustration. By that time, I will likely be able to see the good works that God is orchestrating in my life in this very moment. Until then, I will continue to try and trust in His timing and maybe, just maybe, I’ll put that checklist away, at least for now. I still have a whole year until I’m 30, and as I said before, things change fast.

Regardless of where I am next year at this time, or even tomorrow night at this time, I can find comfort in knowing that God already knows. He has a perfect plan for my life and He’s working all things together for my good. Now I just need to chill out, stop creating boxes to check off, and have a little bit of patience.

Morgan Harper Nichols