BUT HOW? And other deep, philosophical questions

Disclaimer: this blog post sounds a lot like my brain lately...busy, rambling, and a bit disorganized, but exceptionally passionate and introspective.

“But how do decide what you should care about and what to let go?” I’ve asked this question A LOT lately. You see, after spending the past six years of my life numbing all my feelings away, both good and bad, I’m in the midst of trying to figure out how to feel again. Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors, talks about this very thing:

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

I never fully understood this quote until recently. I was numbing uncomfortable and negative emotions, but with that, I was numbing all the positive emotions too. I spent years in a zombie-like state, where on the outside, I looked like I was functioning and caring and feeling, when in reality, I was doing none of those things very well.

Now, as I spend longer and longer in recovery from eating disorder behaviors and other negative coping skills I’ve used in the past, I’m feeling a lot of things. Good things, bad things, scary things, overwhelming things, all of the “things.” Going from feeling nothing to feeling everything is quite an adjustment, one that I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with yet. Hence, all my deep, philosophical questions to my therapists, family, and close friends: “How are you not angry all the time? How do you sleep when there are all these bad things happening? How do you decide what to care about in this world? With all this bad, where do you even start to try and affect change? How can I truly be a good person in this messy world? What’s my job to care about and what’s not...or should I care about everything?! HOW DO I DO THIS?” Day after day, night after night, I find myself drowning in the emotions that I’ve pushed away for so long and now, they seem to be swallowing me up.

I’m not going to lie to you, there is a certain allure to being numb. To be able to float through life, unfeeling of criticism, anger, drama, and sadness. To be able to fall into bed at night, exhausted, and not obsess over my day and current events. To pass the buck and not take full responsibility for anyone else or anything else around me. Looking back on it, it sounds incredibly selfish, but there was a piece of it that made life easier. It definitely didn’t make life full or passionate or whole, but it did make it easier. I lived that life for awhile, I tried it out, and it wasn’t for me. I didn’t like not caring, I didn’t like feeling like a zombie. So I’m working hard on recovery and feeling all these feelings, as uncomfortable as they are. But now I’m at this point where I find myself asking, “Now what?”

📷The Just Measure

I often find myself on a pendulum (which could be one whole blog post of it’s own). Swinging from one extreme all the way over to the other. It’s quite impressive actually, going all the way from one belief or feeling or struggle to the other end of the spectrum. But impressive or not, it is incredibly uncomfortable. Feeling my feelings is a prime example. I went from feeling nothing, good or bad, all the way to the other side where I feel, in my opinion, too much and too deeply. Injustices, cruelty, and ignorance that I used to be able to put out of my mind now eat away at me as I lay in bed at night. I find myself obsessing about things out of my control, wondering if there’s a way for them to be in my control. As I seem to do often, I’ve turned the tables on my therapist. My therapy goal went from feeling something, anything, to now working on controlling my emotions and what I feel passionate about. I’ve undergone many big changes this past year, but I think feeling my feelings is the biggest.

“How are you not angry all the time?” I’ve said those words more than I can count in the past few weeks. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around being able to sift through the happenings of my day, the mistakes that I make, the mistakes that the people around me make, current events happening around the world, and everything in between. With all of the injustices and cruelty and ignorance, where do I step in? What things that are happening deserve my attention and effort, and what things are out of my control that I cannot afford to worry about in that moment? These things that most human beings learn, I seemed to have missed out on. I turned my feelings off for so long that I am now at a loss of how to appropriately interact with the world around me. And that fact, on top of everything else, makes me even more angry.

My therapist tells me that I need to worry about things that are within my sphere of control. But even that seems very general to me. Do I not teach my students that one person can affect change, that one person can change the world? I truly believe that, depending on the circumstance. So in saying that, what truly is my sphere of control?

My other big question that I keep posing to people around me (with little response) is that if everyone just took care of themselves and no one else, then what? If everyone only worries about themselves and no one else, then what happens to our world? What makes our world work then? At the basis of all the good things that happen is the fact that people do good things, take care of each other, and generally care about more than just themselves. If everyone strived to do good within their sphere of control, then maybe our world would be a better place. But we all know that this is not always the case, so isn’t it our job to pick up the slack? If we all assume someone else is going to do it, then no one will. Therefore, that tells me that everyone needs to do more, to do better. But how?! These are the questions that continue to swirl through my brain.

I still continue to dwell on how you are supposed to exist in this world as a good person, doing good when you’re able and taking care of those around you, while at the same time tending to your own personal responsibilities and staying sane. How do you feel your way through this world adequately, yet productively and healthily? How do you find a good balance between not stressing about things not in your control, yet taking responsibility for the collective good? I believe in leaving people and things better than how you found them, but there are so many questions of how exactly to do that while practicing self care and responsibilities of your own.

This whole “feeling your feelings” thing is something that’s going to take some getting used to. It’s going to take some trial and error and many more philosophical questions. Is it harder than being numb? Oh yes. But it is more than worth it too, to be able to interact so deeply with the world around me. Undoubtedly, there will be more blog posts on this subject. There are many more questions and thoughts I have on making ourselves better, each other better and making this world better. In saying that, I’m loving the conversations I’ve been able to have with the people around me and hearing their thoughts on my big questions.

How do YOU decide what to get mad about? To get passionate about? How do you find that fine balance between activism and action, and letting go of things that are out of your control? I’m always open to advice, tips, deep conversations or debates. Drop a comment below, message me or come talk to me about your ideas. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts! Ready, GO!