I sat for several hours staring at a blank screen this weekend. Well, actually, it looked more like: Blank screen, Pinterest, Facebook, pay bills, Twitter, Blank Screen, Pinterest, Blank Screen, do laundry, Facebook, Blank Screen...you get the picture. I thought about taking some time off until the New Year, which I still am going to do next week. I thought about just throwing some pictures up of past Christmases and calling it good. I thought about throwing some old journal entries together and calling it good. At one point, I was so frustrated I thought really hard about throwing my MacBook across the room, but that wouldn’t have been very productive. In the end, I realized that I was making this thing that I love, writing on this blog, something that was stressful. I was making myself miserable in the name of fulfilling expectations I have put upon myself.
So, instead of getting all stressed out about writing the perfect post that is equal parts entertaining, thought-provoking and inspirational, I’m just going to write. I’m going to write what’s on my mind and heart right now as I look ahead toward Christmas time and the New Year.
As a kid, Christmas was my favorite holiday. As an adult, Christmas is still my favorite holiday, but it feels a lot different. Instead of pure excitement and joy, my heart takes on a bit of a melancholy feel around this time of year. Part of it is looking toward the end of the year, and feeling as though I didn’t accomplish the things that I wanted to do. Another part of it is the overwhelming amount of foods that will be floating around next week. The other part is the death of some of my family traditions as I’ve gotten older and all the changes that come with the passing of time.
I was blessed as a kid to have long-standing traditions around Christmas time on both sides of my family. It is not lost on me just how lucky I was to have so much of my extended family that lived close, and set traditions that we would do year after year that didn’t change much as I grew up.
Christmas Eve Day would usually consist of my dad taking Schyler, Gabe and I shopping for our mom’s Christmas gift. My poor mom. I shake my head at the things that we thought were “good presents” including the infamous pig slippers and the giant alarm clock. 🤦🏻♀️She was always a good sport though. Later on that evening, we would go to my Grandma Toni & Grandpa Phil’s for salmon and fried potatoes. I’m pretty picky and have never liked salmon, but my grandpa makes some mean fried potatoes! My aunts, uncles and cousins would be floating in and out as well, and then we would all head into church for the Christmas Eve service. Singing Silent Night in the dark sanctuary lit only by beautiful white candles is one of my favorite Christmas memories each year. After Christmas Eve service, our family would go home, drink egg nog, watch our favorite Christmas movies (my favorite is The Year Without A Santa Claus) and some years when we were really young, we laid underneath the tree and sang Christmas carols and hymns with mom and dad. For the most part, I could depend on all the above things, most of them small, but special nonetheless. It was predictable and safe and fun and generally very warm and fuzzy.
When Christmas morning rolled around, it was all excitement and joy. We would do our own family Christmas at our house, with my mom, dad, Schyler, Gabe and I. When we were young, I was the first one up, getting everyone else up and ready to open presents. Eventually Schyler, and then Gabe, took that same role, but that Christmas morning anticipation in my opinion, was one of the best things about Christmas as a kid. As we got older, it got more exciting and funny as I watched Schyler and Gabe try to outdo each other with long, drawn-out riddled scavenger hunts spread out all over the house (and outside too), hidden gifts, and even gifts frozen in ice. With our video camera rolling in the background, year after year, we have chronicled our Christmas mornings and all the laughter, joy, and shenanigans each year has brought.
After spending time at our house, we would walk across the garden when we were little, or after we moved, drive the two miles to my Grandma Phyllis and Grandpa Roy’s house where we would spend the day listening to grandpa read the Christmas story from the bible, opening presents, playing with our new toys, and playing games. As we got older and our Wisconsin family was unable to come back on Christmas day, we still got together with most of my dad’s side of the family to eat good food, play games, and spend time with one another.
With assorted other Christmas celebrations with extended family, Christmas programs at school and at church, delivering greenery to community members for youth group, delivering goodie plates to the elderly for 4-H, and all the other activities in between, Christmas when I was a kid was just plain awesome. There’s no way around it.
As an adult, many of those things have changed. Schyler has a family of his own now, which changes the landscape of our immediate family traditions quite a bit. At first, the “loss” of our usual family Christmas routine made me sad. Now, I can look back at all our old traditions and Christmas mornings together (something I make my mom, dad, and Gabe do on Christmas morning waiting for Schyler’s family to arrive) with happiness instead of sadness. Although Schyler having his own family has changed our traditions a lot, it has also afforded Auntie Cassie two adorable little boys to spoil with gifts and the priceless ability to see Christmas through little eyes. Things change, but it doesn’t mean that things aren’t as good. They are just different, and I’m slowly learning that that is ok.
As I write this post, I realize that not everyone can look back at their Christmases and see all good memories. Again, it is not lost on me just how lucky I was growing up with so much love and family and joy around me. Sending my students off for Christmas break, and seeing the look of despair on some of their faces thinking about spending several weeks at home without the warmth, food, and safety of school, I’ve come to realize that my experience with Christmas is not everyone’s experience with Christmas.
In saying that, at least for me, I think it’s easy to get caught up in your own Christmas story. Whether it is changes within your family, changes in your financial situation, the loss of loved ones, the excitement of new arrivals, and the countless other things that face families this time of year, it is good to remind yourself that not everyone’s story is your story. You are allowed to feel your own feelings about Christmas time and just because not everyone has those same feelings, it is still ok for you to feel the way you do, whether that is joy or sadness or a sprinkling of both. I encourage you to keep an open mind, and to give space for someone’s story during this season. In all the hustle and bustle of this week or so before Christmas, it’s easy to get caught up in your to-do list and not truly see the people you’re interacting with.
Although many things have changed, although I have changed, Christmas remains my favorite time of year. I’m looking forward to making new memories this year and spending time with the people that I love. I’m taking next week off, but I’ll meet you guys back here in 2020!! Merry Christmas from Rocky and I! 💚❤️
certainly wonderful thoughts
I appreciate your memories and understanding as traditions change. As our grandchildren have grown up and have different connections at holidays and other times, we have learned to treasure our time together whenever and to appreciate that they want to spend time with us. i would like to turn back the clock some times and would like everyone to be with us, but I have learned to treasure the memories and live with changes in all of our lives and we live into new traditions and continuing love and appreciation for one another and work through frustrations and celebrate joys.