Disgrace, Dishonor, Stigma

It’s Mental Health Awareness Month, and I’m disappointed in myself that I haven’t addressed it on this blog until now, with the month being more than halfway over. Yes, I’m a teacher and it's May and life is crazy. Yes, I’ve been busy and have had a lot on my mind. But those aren’t the only reasons why this is the first time I’m typing the words, “Mental Health Awareness Month.” As much as I wish I could just blame ignoring mental health awareness month on being busy or having writer’s block, the issue is much bigger than that. You see, I created this blog several months ago. In this new blogging adventure, my goals have been to be open and honest with my struggles in the area of mental health, and to be true and authentic and transparent. Yet with the writing of each post, including the posts I should have been writing throughout the month of May, I’ve felt this constant tugging within me. The tugging is there every time I press the post button, it comes with the general wariness of sharing too much, of opening myself up to criticism or judgement. It’s there in the internal struggle between being an advocate and being true to myself, yet walking the fine line of not scaring people or depressing people or becoming the butt of people’s jokes or the topic of gossip in this small community. These fears that I fight each and every time I’ve pressed the post button, all stem from one major problem not only within me or within this community I live in, but our country and world. It all stems from the stigma that surrounds mental health.

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We live in a world, where someone diagnosed with a disease tells their coworkers about the time they need to take off, and said coworkers buy them a card and arrange to bring meals to their house. No one gossips, people come together to help and support the person who is sick. They check in, they offer their support and their time. They go above and beyond to help that person who is in need. It is completely acceptable for the sick person to be sick and it is expected that they seek treatment to help them recover from their illness. Yet, we also live in a world where someone with a mental health diagnosis who needs to seek treatment to help them to recover from their illness is judged, ostracized, and gossiped about. It is not acceptable for them to seek treatment, in fact, people wonder why they can’t just “get over it.”

We live in a world where people are encouraged to go to the doctor if there is something wrong with their physical body, whether it may be that they aren’t feeling well or if they are injured. Yet, our society sends the message that if you aren’t feeling well emotionally, if you are depressed or anxious, you need to “suck it up” or “toughen up” or “just be happy.” We live in a world where society makes it very clear that it is not ok to not be ok.

We live in a world where approximately 1 in 5 people experience mental illness each year, yet, very few people feel like they can talk about their struggles or ask for help without risking looking weak or being seen in some other negative light. Although almost half of all Americans will experience mental illness at some point in their lifetime, it is still not widely acceptable to admit you need help or to seek help.

I feel like this is a major problem. If over half of our citizens are struggling with some sort of mental health crisis at some point in their lives, and the other half, even if they haven’t, most certainly have someone in their life that is or has experienced some sort of mental health issue, why the hell aren’t we talking about this? How is there still such stigma surrounding this topic, when it is so commonly dealt with? How do we go about fixing this issue?

Stigma is defined as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.” A mark of disgrace. Pretty strong wordage right there. Yet, as someone who has felt that stigma, it’s pretty damn accurate. I’ve felt that disgrace rest squarely on my shoulders, more times than I like to remember, reflect on, or admit. Disgrace is defined as “the loss of reputation or respect as the result of a dishonorable action.” In my experience, this is also a pretty accurate representation of how it feels to be someone that struggles with mental health issues, and has had to admit their struggles and ask for help. I’ve certainly lost parts of my reputation every time I’ve had to miss work to be hospitalized or to go to treatment. I’ve felt the disgrace, I’ve felt the loss of reputation, and I’ve most certainly been made to feel like something within me was dishonorable or wrong.

When I came down with the stomach flu a couple weeks ago and had to miss two days of work, did I feel that disgrace or dishonor? No. I came back to school, told people how miserably sick I had been, and immediately people responded with empathy and understanding. “Ugh, the stomach flu is the worst.” “Wow, that sounds terrible, I’m so glad you’re feeling better.” “Oh my gosh, I remember when I got that last year, brutal.” No judgment, no questioning, no comments like, “Why didn’t you just try not to throw up?” Or, “Maybe it’s just your attitude, did you try to think positive thoughts?” Or, “You had the stomach flu last year, I thought you got all that figured out.” No comments like that were made. I was sick, I got better, I came back to work, and that was that.

However, when I was in the throes of my eating disorder, very dangerously sick, and was not asked to, but ordered by my medical doctor, psychiatrist and therapist to go to treatment or risk very serious effects on my health, there was stigma. There was disgrace. There was dishonor. Comments were made to the effect of “She’s going to treatment again?” and “Why can’t she just get this figured out?” and “She just needs to change her attitude.” and “She doesn’t look sick, I’m not sure why she has to be gone that long.” Some people did not respond with empathy. Most people did not respond at all. Just like with the stomach flu, I was sick. Unlike the stomach flu, I was life-threateningly sick. Yet, I received more understanding and acceptance and much less gossip when I had the flu than each time I've had to be hospitalized or checked myself into residential treatment. Unfortunately, those feelings of dishonor and disgrace are very real. Stigma is very real.

So how do you fight against societal norms? How do you address an issue that has been around for decades? How do you, as one person, advocate for such an important, yet daunting cause? Well, here’s the thing. Stigma lives within each one of us. Yes, stigma can look like the judgmental thoughts that sneak into our brain when we see or hear someone struggling with something that is not accepted by society. But it's more than that, it goes the other way too. Stigma is the voice that tells you that people will judge you if you need help. Stigma is the voice that tells you to “suck it up” or that “it isn’t a big deal.” Stigma is the voice that tells you that you’re weak if you’re not ok. Stigma tells you that you will be ostracized if people knew what you actually were struggling with. Stigma encourages us to look the other way when someone is struggling instead of asking the hard questions and sitting with them in the discomfort. Stigma tells you that people will think less of you if they knew the truth. Stigma tells us that we need to hide. Stigma is the voice that tells us that it’s not ok to not be ok. That piece of stigma that lives within each one of us, as big or as small as it may be, is what is keeping it alive. If we all examine ourselves and seek that piece that lives within us out and make an effort to fight it, we can slowly start to improve the culture of mental health awareness and acceptance.

It’s difficult to take a hard look at yourself and admit where that stigma may lie within you. For me, I see it in my fear of being open and honest. I see it in that feeling of butterflies every time I press post on one of these blogs. I see it in my utter avoidance of mental health awareness month up until today. I see it in all the opportunities I have to be authentic and honest and to own my story, and in all the times that I choose to keep that story within me instead of sharing it and being an advocate. Those things are hard to look at and accept, but they’re there and I want to fight them so I made a plan of attack. It’s my goal to keep reflecting, to keep searching for those pieces of stigma within me, and to keep fighting those pieces. It’s my goal to keep sharing the hard stuff, to keep being honest, and to keep pressing post on these blog posts. It’s my goal to be authentic and vulnerable in this blog and in my daily life, and to keep having the hard, awkward, truthful conversations. Is it easy to talk about your fears and anxieties and sadness? No. Is it easy to admit that you’re not ok and that you need help? Nope. Is it easy to approach someone from a place of vulnerability and just sit with them in their pain? Hell no. But these are the only ways to combat the stigma and create an open, honest, productive dialogue around mental health. As Brene Brown would say, you gotta “Embrace the suck.”

Even as I’m writing this, I feel that familiar anxiety bubbling to the surface. Those questions of: Is this too real of a topic? Am I sharing too much? Are people going to think differently of me? As much as I can preach being vulnerable and “embracing the suck,” it’s a totally different thing to actually live those things out. But as hard as it is to be vulnerable and authentic, as hard as it is to put yourself out there without knowing how what you’re saying is going to received, it’s worth it. With big risk, comes big rewards.

I know that the stigma that feels so heavy to carry on my shoulders is not going anywhere unless people make an effort to erase it. And if I want it erased so bad, it is my responsibility to practice what I preach, and fight that stigma head on. So that’s what I’m going to do. This post will not fix everything. This post very well may not fix anything or influence anyone’s actions in any way. But it’s something. Stigma is right there with me right now, tugging away, telling me to file this away in my Google Drive to never be seen again. Telling me that this post is too direct, too bold. Telling me that people are going to gossip about me and judge me. That’s what stigma wants me to believe. Instead, I’m going to ignore stigma, and press the post button. Stigma may win a lot, but I’m not going to let it win today.

#endthestigma

Kevin Breel