I saw this quote on Pinterest recently and it made me start thinking. You know when you see something and you’re like, “Yes! They wrote that for me!” That’s how I felt when I saw this quote. Recovery is weird. That’s the conclusion that I’m coming to. It’s weird, because since it’s not linear, I feel like I never quite know where I’m at. One day, I can be doing pretty well, and the next, well, not as much. Heck, it can be an hour by hour thing too. Things change fast and it’s often hard for me to keep up, let alone the people who are closest to me.
I have never identified as someone who’s a “people person.” In fact, there were several years that I swore that I hated people. Now I know that that isn’t the case, but I’m definitely not a social butterfly. In fact, I’m a textbook introvert, and I used to think of this as a weakness or a bad thing.
First off, I always pictured introverts as people who hated being around other people. Yet, as I learned about my personality type this summer, introverts don’t hate people. Not at all. In fact, introverts are often blessed with the ability to form deep, strong, lasting relationships. It’s not that they hate people, it’s that being around people drains them of their energy. An introvert is a person that needs alone time to recharge, not a person who hates other people.
For me, as someone who had totally bought into the stereotype that introverts hate people, this was a pretty cool realization. I don’t need to hate people at all. I just needed to relearn what it meant to be an introvert. I learned that I can love people, and still not love being around people all the time. I learned that I need quiet time away from others to recharge and be ready to invest in the deep, meaningful relationships that I have formed with others. This learning has totally changed the way that I see myself and my interactions.
I’ve had countless professionals tell me that I need to “stop isolating.” Well, yeah. I admit, there are probably times that I might spend a little too much time holed up in my house with my Rocky dog laying on the couch. However, in this learning, I’ve also learned that my personality type NEEDS that time on my own. Time to be alone with my thoughts, rest and recharge from within. That’s the difference between introverts and extroverts: Introverts recharge by going within themselves, extroverts recharge by going outside themselves. After living my whole life like this, it finally made sense. I can do both. I can enjoy being alone, doing creative things or doing nothing at all. At the same time, I can still have a close tribe of people around me to interact with and invest in to feed the part of my soul that needs human connection. And both of those are ok! After living my life thinking that there was something wrong with me, it was so validating to hear that my regular routines and patterns were generally normal for an introvert like myself.
So, when I read that quote, I thought, Yes, that is totally where I’m at right now. I’m in a place where I don’t have a whole lot of myself to give to other people. Like I said, recovery is weird. Recovery is really freaking hard actually. There’s a lot going on. Aside from teaching and giving my best to my kids and my coworkers all day long, there is a whole other life that I’m living outside of work. Following my meal plan, going to therapy sessions, being present in support group, journaling therapy assignments, and trying my best to invest in the people I'm close to here and the people I’ve met over the past year who live around the country. There’s a lot to those things. There are a lot of conversations with my people and with my team that need to be reflected on. There’s a lot of inner dialogue to push back against and rehash in my journal to gain understanding. There’s a lot of willpower to eat all my exchanges and control my movement. There’s a lot of driving. When it comes down to it, I just have a lot on my plate right now.
As a perfectionist, I feel like I should be able to do everything 100%. I feel like I should be able to push myself and be high-achieving and perfect in everything I do, whether it’s as a teacher, a coworker, a friend, a family member, a therapy client...I should be able to be everything to everyone. Through my recovery process, I’ve realized that this isn’t always the case (as much as that perfectionism voice in my head hates it). There’s just not enough of me to fulfill every need for everyone in my life at all times right now and that’s REALLY hard for me to come to terms with. I’ve always tried to be really accessible and available and well, essentially, be the perfect person for everyone who needs me. It’s been a pretty tough pill to swallow that this isn’t attainable for me right now, and maybe not ever again.
A year ago, I realized that I couldn’t be the person that I wanted to be for anyone, because I was too consumed in my eating disorder and sick. I told myself that when I got well, I could be better for everyone that I love. I think that this is true, now that I’m in more of a healthy place, I can be more for the people who need me. But even now, I’m still finding myself feeling bad for having to set healthy boundaries and *gasp* even say no sometimes. I’m slowly starting to realize that the push to be available and accessible all the time is one of the reasons why I was so sick in the first place. It was just too much. Everything that I was trying to do and be for the people around me was just not sustainable or healthy.
Therefore, I’m starting to understand that everyone has chapters to their life. Some chapters allow you to give of yourself more, whether it is to your job or your family or your friends. These chapters feel good because you’re able to work on your relationships with the people in your life and feel as though you are helping and investing in people and things that you find important. Yet, there are also chapters in your life where you need to focus more on yourself. This is where I find myself now. For someone who is a people pleaser, this chapter feels really uncomfortable. It feels selfish to focus on myself. It’s uncomfortable to have to set external and internal boundaries with people to protect my feelings and my recovery. It’s hard to have to say no to favors or extras that I was previously able to do. But I’m slowly learning that to be the person that I want to be for myself and for others, this chapter is necessary. It’s ok to leave a message left on read, to fall off the face of the Earth for a few days, to let the phone go to voicemail or to leave the email unread until another day. All these things that I never let myself do before because I was so caught up in what people thought of me or expected of me are slowly being put into perspective.
Leaning into this chapter is really hard. It’s hard to trust that people will be patient and understanding of the new boundaries that I need to make to keep myself healthy. It’s hard to trust that people will still love me if I ignore their message for awhile or don’t return their calls right away. It’s even harder realizing that there are some people that won’t be able to be patient or understanding. In fact, losing or redefining relationships has been a cruel reality of this current chapter. I’m working on it, and I’m getting better, but it’s still hard to feel as though I’m disappointing people or letting people down.
Recovery is weird. They don’t tell you, that during recovery, you are recovering from lots of things. Not just the thing that you thought you were focusing on. Yes, my meal plan is still really hard and all the body image stuff and thoughts around that are something that I’m constantly having to work on. Those things are expected. But through it all, I’m also working on recovering from other things. Being a people pleaser and a perfectionist are two of them. They say that for recovery to work, you have to put yourself first. I always thought that was a bunch of crap. Now, more than ever, I’m beginning to understand what they mean. There have been chapters in this recovery journey that I’ve been accessible and available to other people. Helpful and encouraging and present. There have also been chapters where I’m focused inward and neither available or present. Both kinds and any mix between the two are ok. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself anyway.
Yes, the chapter I’m in requires me to be a little less accessible. Yes, it’s really hard and it really sucks at times. However, I hope that you all, my people, know that this chapter does not mean that I care any less. I’m so grateful to all of you for the love, patience, and understanding that you continue to show to me as I continue to navigate this whole life in recovery thing. It’s a process, but I’m so thankful to have you all in my corner. ❤️
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