In the Waiting

Wait. Gosh, I hate that word. Wait. It makes me impatient, just hearing it. Which is interesting, because in a lot of ways, I would say I’m a decently patient person. Heck, I’m a teacher, so there has to be some amount of patience inside me for me to work with the lovely 6th graders that I’m blessed to work with each day.

But waiting. Man, it is hard! Depending on the situation, it can be harder in some moments as compared to others. And some people are just way better at waiting than others. You know the people. I’m sure you can probably picture one in your head at this moment. Those people that seem endlessly patient, abundantly at peace, no matter how trying the situation. My Grandpa Roy is one of those people. He can sit and wait with the best of them, and be at peace and relaxed about it at the same time There have been multiple times in my life that I just sit there and look at him in awe, wondering how in the world he can be so calm.

Maybe it comes with age, maybe some people are just naturally wired like that, I don’t know. All I know, is that whatever “waiting magic” they have inside of them, I do not have it. Some of you could be shocked by that, but many of you probably aren’t. I’m a person that is hard to read sometimes. The people that know me well are probably laughing right now, because these people have learned to read me and know there’s a whole lot going on all up in here.😜But to people that don’t know me well, I have a pretty blank (or maybe angry looking) exterior most of the time. Either way, it may be hard to read even when I’m feeling particularly impatient. So partly for the sake of making a point and mostly for the sake of humor, I’ll include a list of specific examples of instances that I hate waiting the most:

• When the recipe calls for a slow release of pressure for my Instapot (yep, never do that)

• When my computer or phone decides to do a software update at an inopportune time

• Having a really good lesson flow and then pushing the button and waiting for my projector to warm up in my classroom (just ask my kids)

• Red lights

• Walking behind slow people when I’m in a hurry (and even when I’m not in a hurry, college campuses are the worst!)

• Driving behind slow people when I’m in a hurry or when I’m not in a hurry (yes, you could say I generally struggle with some road rage)

• When people are later than they said they would be (because my anxious self is almost always early so I have to wait even longer)

• Waiting rooms (ha! the irony)

• Airports

• Staring at my phone, waiting for someone to text back after saying something bold and not knowing what their response may be

• Checking my mail every day, knowing something should be coming for me but not knowing when it will show up

• In the middle of the night, standing at the door, waiting for Rocky to come back inside from whatever adventure he thought was absolutely crucial at 3 in the morning

• My Keurig and it’s obnoxiously slow coffee making

• Getting gas-especially when the pump is reaaalllyyy slow and it’s Iowa and it’s cold, or rainy, or windy, or any other sort of unpleasant weather

Maybe you can relate to some of those things, or at least can imagine me in these situations and laugh a little. My point being, as patient as I can be in some situations, I can be really impatient in others.

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God created us, and He knows us better than anyone else. So I’m assuming God has a pretty good idea of how impatient I can be. He knows my heart and my personality, and I’m sure that he’s aware of how anxious and nervous and irritable I become when I have to wait long and hard on something. In knowing this, and knowing God and how He seems to work, I feel as though He has put me into the situation that I’m in right now to teach me some things. Which is cool to think about, but oh so frustrating at the same time.

You see, even though I can appreciate the lessons He is trying to teach me, I just wish that He would give me a sign or a nudge in the right direction. I’ve told several people this, complaining, telling them that I’m “fine with waiting if He would just give me a sign so I would know what I should be doing while I’m waiting.” As I was sick this past week and spending a lot of time in my bed, staring at the ceiling, I realized that this is the most impatient and unproductive way to deal with “waiting.” Examining and reflecting on my comments to people, I’m obviously very much NOT ok with the waiting that I keep insisting that I’m ok with. If I was ok with it, if I was truly comfortable with it, I would be simply...waiting. Not begging for signs, complaining about not getting signs, wondering where I should be, stressing out about where I’m at. If I was truly ok with the waiting, I wouldn’t be doing any of those things. I would be content and at peace and I would trust in His promises, be STILL, and wait.

Ok, so, another confession here: I’m the queen of insisting that I’m doing well at something, and then realizing later that I wasn’t doing very well at it at all. My whole treatment experience in Arizona is a testament to that (I can just see all the head nodding going on from my friends sprinkled all over North America right now). And here I am again, back in this familiar position of realizing just how wrong I’ve been, this whole time that I’ve been insisting that I was right. Ugh. Not fun, and pretty embarrassing to be honest. You see, the people I’ve been complaining to probably realized it right away, could hear it in my voice, could see it in my actions. They listened to me ramble about how I’m ok with waiting and that I know God has a plan for me and on and on and on...and were probably internally shaking their heads at me and thinking, “Oh girl, if you could only hear yourself.” Ok, you people know who you are, and I’m finally hearing myself. I can see it now. I’m not so good at waiting after all, and I’m not as ok with it as I thought.

So now I sit at this familiar place once again, realizing how wrong I’ve been, and wondering where to go next. I know that God has beautiful plans for my life and that He’s making all things work together for my good. But knowing those things, and really living out those beliefs are two different things. Living those beliefs are hard. Being patient is hard. Putting all your trust in Him, letting go of control and trusting that what is meant for you will not pass you by is HARD. As a perfectionist and a control freak and a micromanager, someone that struggles to be STILL, someone that struggles to trust, someone that struggles to live in the moment, those things are even harder.

As I’ve been forced to lay in my bed sick this week, more than I’ve stayed in one place for a really long time, this theme of waiting kept popping into my head. Maybe it was because I was becoming so bored looking at my ceiling that I thought I was going to go crazy, or maybe it was thinking of all the things that I should be doing instead of laying in my bed sick, I don’t know, but I started really reflecting. And yes, I did notice the irony of reflecting on patience and waiting as I was literally stuck in bed, not able to move without feeling like I was going die.

While I laid there, the words, “What’s meant for you will not pass you by,” just kept cycling through my head. I thought about all the realizations and revelations I’ve made about who I am, my past, and my present the past six months or so. I thought about my goals and my dreams, the things I don’t even speak aloud, but secretly hope for in my heart to become a reality someday. I thought about the fears and doubts that accompany those thoughts, the whispers that tell me that there’s no way that those things will ever be possible. But most of all, I thought about God. God, who I’m low-key mad at for making me wait, and placing me in this season for that purpose, to teach me about patience and trust and stillness. Who amid all my doubts and fears, impatience and anxiety, I ultimately believe is making all things work together for my good in this moment, who has plans for my life, to give me hope and a future.

Even so, laying in my bed this past week, I let myself get mad at Him. I let myself get frustrated about having to be in bed, about not knowing what I should be doing or if I’m in the right place or on the right track, anxious about all the things that I should be doing or planning or researching. I let myself feel bad, I let myself wallow for awhile. But then, as I really thought about it, I came back to what I believe in my heart, my innermost core beliefs about life and God and my future. Those beliefs say that my God is an awesome God, that He knew me and had perfect plans for my life even before I was born, and that He is always with me and wants me to trust Him and look to Him in times of need. That He will fight for me, that I need only to be STILL.

It was then that I realized that even if I get really impatient at red lights and in waiting rooms, at the people I love and the situations that I’m in, that in those irritating moments and all the moments in between, He is molding me into the person that I’m meant to be. And even though I’m not perfect, and definitely not patient, He loves me anyway. So I humbly pray, that even through my imperfections and faults, that this season of waiting will teach me to be a little bit more patient and help me to grow closer to who I was meant to be, and that even though it is frustrating and scary now, it will make way into a new season full of hope and peace and new beginnings. ❤️