I’ve been tossing this post around in my head for a while. That seems to be how it’s working these days. I’ve noticed that since I have more time to just “be,” I’ve been working through many things in my head. Sometimes this can be bad. Sometimes this can be good. I want to write a post on this whole idea soon, this idea of “stillness” that I thought I had made progress in last year when it was my One Word. I think I did make progress, but this new season of life, this quarantine time that is slower and more deliberate and more intentional, has shown me a whole other level of “stillness.” More on that later.
For now, I’ve been thinking of things that make me happy. Happy memories to cheer me up or make me laugh in these uncertain, scary times. Happy memories of people and things that I’m truly grateful for.
I once saw a quote that went something like, “If you want to learn what someone fears losing, watch what they photograph.” I’ve always liked this because I think it rings true, at least for me in my life. I think it also rings true to the pictures that are especially meaningful to us.
There’s a Facebook thing going around right now, (one of a million things, am I right?) and it asks us to post a picture that is meaningful to us with no explanation. Well, I thought I would do that for this blog post, but with explanations.
Since I’m quarantining alone, these are some images of people and moments that bring me happiness (in no particular order).
This picture always makes me smile. First off, I love how we are all either smiling/laughing. Suka was being especially difficult and something about what she did, and her refusal to cooperate, made us all laugh. Lauren was trying her hardest to get a good picture of us all, which she did, but somehow this picture will always be my favorite from that day. We all just look happy and relaxed.
This is a picture of a picture, so the quality isn't super great but I LOVE this picture. One of my fun facts for all those stupid get-to-know-you games throughout school was that I was born with 10 grandparents living within 20 miles of me. Yep, you read that right. I don't obviously remember this picture being taken, but that's me being held by my Great-Grandma Bardole on my baptism day surrounded by my other 9 grandparents and great-grandparents. As a kid I thought this was normal. As an adult, I realize that it is really not normal but am SO grateful that I was able to grow up thinking that it was.
Yeah, so we may or may not all of have gotten zombie-killing weapons for Christmas 2014 from Gabe...and they aren't fake. Those are legitimate, creative, apocalyptic weapons. We were going through our The Walking Dead phase and he thought they would be clever. Every time I look at this picture, I just feel like it epitomizes our family pretty well, at least in our Christmas gift-giving creativity. Ironically, I just received a text from my cousin about these a few weeks ago and how they could be helpful in protecting our toilet paper in this crazy world. Ha!
Kate and I have taken hundreds of pictures, ever since she was teeny-tiny. For years, she's been begging for selfies (I may have been the one to teach her that word in fact), and I've been happy to oblige. This girl makes me happy, makes me laugh, and amazes me, all at the same time. She's one of my best friends. It was hard to pick just one picture since there are so many good ones, but this is one of my favorites. "Cassie, let's take one so it looks like your hair is my hair!" 😍
Lauren and I have vowed to never let this picture die, even though Gabe probably wishes that it would. I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I did as we walked through the National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C. impersonating paintings (Full disclosure, the security guards DID NOT appreciate this little excursion as much as we did). Every once in a while, Lauren or I will bring this picture up on our phones and just burst out laughing. Poor Gabe. There were many other pictures of this day, but this one will forever be my favorite. This picture will bring Lauren and I eternal happiness. Good thing Gabe is such a good sport.
This is the first time I met my nephew, Adam. Adam made me an aunt, and being "Auntie Cassie" is my most favorite title. I'm grateful that Lauren and Schyler caught this moment, as this was the moment I realized that I have never loved a person as much as I do this little guy. At this time, I was not in a good place. Holding him and spending those few evenings I did with him shortly after he was born put a smile on my face for the first time in months and made me realize that life may just be worth it.
Likewise, this is the first time I met my second nephew, Luke. Gabe and I took Adam to visit baby Luke and his mommy and daddy in the hospital that night. Uncle Gabe and Aunt Cassie taking Adam out on an adventure sure was humorous, we were a mess! I remember Gabe and I talking on the way home, that we literally could never have fathomed loving another human being as much as we love those two sweet boys. I'm so thankful that Gabe was able to capture this moment (and conveniently took it from an angle to make it look like Luke loved his Auntie Cassie right away and was not actually screaming his little head off). 🤷
An oldie, but a goodie! Gabe's cheesin' for the camera, I was all legs, and Schy has his "oh hey" wave going on. The memories I have playing with Schy and Gabe in our front yard of the trailer, right across the garden from my grandma and grandpa's house, are some of my most treasured memories. Back when the world was a little more simple, our imaginations ran wild, and we were putting on the best "circus" in town (Circus Smircus). Good times.
I don't know why exactly, but this picture just always makes me happy. Whenever I come across it, it makes me smile. I don't get to spend as much time with these two as I would like, but I love the time that I do get to spend with them and there's usually laughter and shenanigans whenever we do get together. Especially from the one on your left.
This is my favorite picture of Gabe and I. He had just returned from his trip to Nicaragua and I had moved home to my parents house and was just finishing my first year of teaching. At this time, Gabe thought I had pretty much ruined his senior year (ok, well, maybe I did) but in this moment, we were genuinely happy to be together again. Not pictured: his hilarious striped sunburn he acquired on his trip. 😉
Overall, I pretty much hated high school with two general exceptions: playing in this gym with my teammates and jazz band. I have a lot of good memories in the Rippey gym, from my playing days, to just shooting around in there on my own. I've never bought into the "glory days" narrative, but this picture is as close as it gets for me.
My FAVORITE picture of my dad and I. Baling hay was something we always liked to help with, and on this day, mom came up to bring us some water as we were unloading. He wasn't totally bought in, but mom and I finally convinced him to participate. You can see his reluctance, and you can see my happiness that he decided to go along with my idea. My dad is one of the strongest people I know, and this picture always reminds me of my quest to be strong like him, in all ways. The brilliant green Iowa summer background, the corn, and the clouds in the sky make this picture even sweeter.
These are the people that I grew up with. My best and favorite playmates. I am very lucky that I grew up with all my first cousins living close enough to have frequent sleepovers at grandma's and at each other's houses, and able to see each other regularly. We have a lot of good memories playing dress up at grandma and grandpa's house, putting on plays and musicals, dancing to Annie, and all our adventures outside on the farm. Most of these people have spouses and babies now, and I hope that someday, we can all be in the same room again.
Ok, this is a two for one deal because I couldn't choose between these two pictures.
Part of my heart resides in Michigan with these lovely faces. Ever since they were 3 and 5, I've been visiting and every time I'm there, I wonder why I don't just move there. As sad as I am that there is 10 hours in a car or a couple hours on a plane separating us, it makes the time that we get to spend together so much sweeter. The first picture is back when the girls were little and we explored downtown Detroit, went up to the top of the GM building, and then went and had lunch in Canada. As a sixteen year old, I thought that was pretty awesome. My second favorite was this past fall, dreadnaught gear, cowboy boots, donuts, cider, and all. <3
So, most of you know this, but if not, my Grandpa Roy is in the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum in Washington D.C. A lifesize cardboard cutout of him stands beside the GPS that our farm donated to the Time & Navigation exhibit. One the coolest things I've ever done in my whole life, is visit this museum with our family and see my grandpa stand next to his cardboard cutout. We were all so proud of him, and being able to travel and spend a few days in D.C. as an extended family was really fun. It was a surreal moment to stand in the museum and watch total strangers ask my grandpa to take his picture. The behind the scenes tour of the Smithsonian American History museum on this same day was also pretty amazing and a once in a lifetime experience.
This is one of my favorite places in the world. I realize that it's a little pathetic that it happens to sit on the ground of an eating disorder treatment facility, but this spot, this spot holds a very special place in my heart. I spent hours in this place, looking off into Wickenburg in the distance watching the traffic light change from green to yellow to red. In this spot, I threw a lot of rocks, witnessed countless breathtaking red, orange, and purple Arizona sunsets, worked through a lot of emotions, and even did a letting go ceremony. What I'll remember most of all though? How safe and at home my heart and soul always felt in this place. Even though I would never want to return as a patient, I would love to sit in this spot again someday. 💜
Somehow, this picture is how I still picture these boys, even though they are a lot older now. It is crazy to me that the youngest sits in my 6th grade classroom each day. I feel like these three guys, even though they are my first cousins, trained me to be a good aunt. Because of our age difference, it seemed like we had more of an aunt/nephew vibe than a cousin vibe. Watching these three grow into the amazing human beings that they are has been a great privilege. I hope that their memories of me as they have grown up are as sweet as all of my memories of them.
If I'm not traveling, I think my favorite place in Iowa is sitting in the combine during harvest. Especially if I get to sit next to my dad. I don't have a lot of explanation for this picture, other than it just makes my heart happy.
For as long as I can remember, my dad was dead-set against me getting a tattoo. So I waited until I didn't care quite as much about what he thought because I was "an adult." Ok, well, I did care, but I really, really wanted a tattoo. By my third one, he had kind of warmed up to the idea. I wanted to get a semicolon to signify my mental health battles, and my mom decided she wanted to get one with me. My dad surprised us both by coming with us and getting one too. My dad shows his love for our family in many ways, but this one spoke volumes to how much he loves and supports my mom and I.
When I first saw this picture, I didn't like it. I tore myself apart thinking that my hair looked stupid, I looked too tired, the lighting wasn't right. But the farther I am from this moment, and the more I look at this picture, the happier it makes me. My mom and dad drove 22 hours (one way) out to Arizona this past summer to spend a week with me while I was in treatment to participate in Family Week. The time and money that they spent traveling, and the fact that they put their whole heart and soul into the work that we were asked to do during that week means more to me than they know. What we were asked to do, talk through, own, and learn together was not easy. But they came through, and for that, I'll forever be grateful. This was the last night they were in Arizona. I wanted to show them Vulture Peak at sunset, so we drove on a random highway out of Wickenburg in pursuit of a "good picture place." I really treasured the time that we were able to spend together, just the three of us, being able to introduce them to my TMR family, and show them the place that I fell in love with and called home for 97 days throughout the past year and a half.