This is installment #2 in my overdue Mental Health Awareness Month series. I’ve done a lot of thinking the past few weeks, and as I’ve thought about the most important things to address in relation to mental health issues, it came down to two things. The first was stigma, which I addressed last week.
The second thing? Well, it happens to be the thing that has been most frustrating to me the past few years. It’s the fact that no one talks about it. As soon as most people hear the words depression, anxiety, suicide, self-injury, eating disorder, or any of the other hundreds of words associated with mental illness, they run the other way. Mental illness scares people. It makes people feel awkward, scared, and uncomfortable. As a result, when someone finally finds the courage to admit they’re not ok and ask for help, the times they need people more than ever, people often scatter.
“People just don’t know what to say, Cassie.” In sharing my frustrations, I’ve heard that statement a lot. That’s exactly right, people don’t know what to say. But guess what? After asking someone how they are doing (and meaning it), you often don’t have to say anything. When you see someone in your life struggling, or they’ve admitted to you that they aren’t doing well, the most powerful thing you can do for them is to ask how they are doing and then just LISTEN. You don’t have to have any amazing words of wisdom, you don’t need to give them advice or tell them what to do, you don’t need to talk them into the fact that their life isn’t that bad. I recently told my brother Gabe something similar when I was venting to him. I said, “I don’t need you to fix anything, or give me any advice, I would be fine with you listening and then just saying, ‘Wow, that really sucks.’” Simple, but powerful. Sitting with someone in their pain or frustration or hurt, and not trying to fix it or give advice or make it better, just acknowledging them, sitting in it with them, and being there for them.
“People don’t want to say the wrong thing.” This is another statement I get when I vent my frustrations about people not talking about the elephants in the room. I agree, people do get nervous about saying the wrong thing. But guess what? At least from my perspective, saying the “wrong thing” is better than not saying anything at all. When I was in treatment, there was constant talking and discussing and sharing and authenticity. It was very uncomfortable for me at first, because I was used to living in a world where I pretended nothing was wrong and although people knew a problem existed, everyone felt too awkward to talk about it. By the time I left treatment and went home, it was like walking into a foreign place. It became uncomfortable for me to ignore the discomfort. I was all of a sudden back in a place surrounded by people that didn’t acknowledge the fact I was just gone for 52 days, that pretended that my depression and eating disorder didn’t exist, and laughed nervously when I shared a funny story about my time in Arizona. It was like people were afraid of me, afraid they were going to say the wrong thing or afraid to do the wrong thing. So in their fear, they just decided to pretend that nothing had happened at all. As uncomfortable as it is to acknowledge someone is struggling, it is far worse to ignore it and pretend it isn't happening than it is to be brave and risk saying something “wrong.”
Loving someone who is in a low place, who has been struggling for a long time and knowing you can’t do anything...is hard. After realizing you can’t do anything, pulling away so that you don’t have to watch that person suffer...is common. Sitting with that person in their pain, being vulnerable with them and make space for it without trying to fix anything? Well, that’s brave..
As human beings, we tend to shy away from pain and discomfort. Whether it is our own, or someone else’s, we do not like to be uncomfortable or feel useless. We live in a world of instant gratification, and if we cannot help someone or fix something for someone right away, we struggle to be there for them.
You see, sitting with someone in their pain and being empathetic requires us to access that vulnerable piece within us that hurts too. It is impossible to truly be empathetic unless you can access a piece of yourself within your experiences or feelings that connects with what that other person is feeling or experiencing.
“You can’t get to courage without rumbling with vulnerability. Embrace the suck.” Although Brene Brown was talking about a different kind of courage, sitting with someone and asking the hard questions most definitely requires courage. And you can’t get there without embracing the suck and letting yourself be vulnerable. This is the piece that is hard for many people. This is the piece that stops people from asking, “How are you doing?” and meaning it. This fear is what stops people from having the uncomfortable, awkward conversations about feelings and mental health. Our fear of being vulnerable is what often hinders us from embracing the suck and reaching out to our tribe members when we are concerned for them.
We had a guest speaker come in and talk with our staff a few months ago. Ryan Nesbitt from the Iowa Chapter of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention came in and shared his story and things we could do not only as teachers, but as friends to check in on the people in our lives to ensure they are ok. In looking through the resources he shared, I visited the website www.seizetheawkward.org. Right away, I was hooked on their message: Seize the Awkward. Such a powerful, yet profound statement in regards to checking in on people and starting a dialogue around mental health.
Is it awkward to ask someone if they are ok when they seem down? Yes. And that’s the point of the Seize the Awkward movement. Because of all the stigma surrounding mental health, and the vulnerability it takes to get up the courage to start a conversation to check in with them, it is something that many people avoid. Even if they are worried, they may assume or hope that someone else will ask the person if they are ok. They may think that it could offend the person or make things worse. When in reality, if you have a feeling someone is not ok, starting a dialogue with that person and seizing the awkward, even if it is hard, could in fact save that person’s life.
Seize the Awkward’s website gives some good conversation starters to help you know what to say when you’re checking in on someone that you’re worried about. Here are some examples of ways you can seize the awkward and start the conversation.
You all good?
Is everything ok?
Maybe it’s just me, but I was wondering if you were alright?
I’ve noticed you’ve been down lately, what’s going on?
Hey, we haven’t talked in awhile. How are you?
Seems like you haven’t been yourself lately, what’s up?
I feel like something’s up, can you share with me?
Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.
I know you’ve had a lot going on, I’m here for you.
Once you’ve started the conversation, it may be tempting to give advice or try and make things better. Instead, here are some pointers the website shares for when you’re in the middle of a conversation.
Avoid offering advice or trying to fix their problems.
Ask open-ended questions. Help them to talk, not just say “yes” or “no.”
Let them know it’s ok to feel the way they do.
Let them know that this won’t change the way you think or feel about them.
Encourage them to talk with an expert.
After your conversation, you may feel as though you don’t know what to do next. Here are some things to keep in mind.
Make yourself available and keep checking in.
Don’t give up. If the conversation didn’t go so well, show your friend you’re still there.
Handle their trust with care.
Reach out for help from an expert, you don’t have to do this on your own.
If there’s someone in your life going through a hard time, or if you’re worried about them, you may feel as though you don’t know what to say. You may be worried about saying the wrong thing or offending them or making things worse. However, those little whispers that go through your brain and stop you from checking in on your friends are stigma popping in and trying to get you to avoid authentic, real conversations. Don’t let that stigma win.
Embrace the suck, access that vulnerability inside of you and start a hard conversation. Seize the awkward and ask someone if they are ok. Be brave and acknowledge someone’s struggles. These may seem like small things, but to someone that is struggling, feeling alone, or feeling as though no one sees them or cares about what they are going through, these small things become big things.
So I encourage you to embrace the suck, seize the awkward, and check in on someone in your life today. Worst case scenario, you may feel a little awkward. Best case scenario, you have a true, authentic conversation with someone and maybe even save their life.
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