You all have probably heard the saying, “sit in the discomfort.” In fact, those are four words that I’ve gotten pretty sick of hearing, as it seems to be a favorite go-to phrase of therapists. Over and over during the past year, I’ve been told to sit in the discomfort, to “ride the wave” of uncomfortable emotions and even more simply, “Cassie, you have to learn to just sit in it.” UGH! However, as much as I’m tired of those words, I realized that lately, they aren’t even super accurate. You see, I’ve gotten really good at sitting in the discomfort. Too good actually. What I’m struggling with now: Sitting in the comfort.
I was asked this past week why I think kids misbehave. I actually have a lot of thoughts on this question, but I’ll spare you the long, detailed response. The short version? Many kids are accustomed to living in chaos and turmoil. When someone is accustomed to living in chaos and turmoil, they often create chaos and turmoil around them because that is all they know and that is the environment in which they are most comfortable. Again, I could go on and on with what this means for teachers and how they react to students, but not in this post. As I answered this question however, I realized that I can strongly relate to this phenomenon.
You see, in a mixture of the general chaos of life and the chaos that was created by my poor choices and self-destruction, my life has been in a state of disarray for the past six years or so. As a result, I’ve gotten pretty good at existing in the chaos and portraying the look of a mostly well-adjusted, high-functioning human being. But this was just a farce. I was neither well-adjusted or high-functioning. I was a shell of a person that was often “drowning” in my daily life. Even so, I got pretty good at looking like I was ok. I also got really good at surviving through the chaos and turmoil, or “sitting in the discomfort” as my therapist friends would say. This became my normal life. Wading through all the problems that were being thrown at me and that I continued to create for myself, all while barely keeping my head above the metaphorical water and pasting a fake smile on my face. This had become the norm for the entirety of my adult life, and I adjusted to it, and became accustomed to living my life in this manner. To sum it up, I had reached expert level of the “sitting in the discomfort” game.
Since I was “sitting in the discomfort” so often and to such extremes, it stopped phasing me completely. It was normal, and for a long time, I resigned myself to that. However, after being forced to go to treatment the first time, I got a little taste of what my life could look like if I wasn’t constantly doggy paddling to stay afloat. For the first time, I realized that my life did not have to continue in the direction in which it was heading. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. My first time home from treatment, I begin to transition from “sitting in the discomfort,” to “sitting in the comfort.” Let me tell you, the latter was SO MUCH harder for me to do. I’ve always joked that I’m either taking things to the extremes or in the complete opposite direction, and this was definitely one of those times. “Normal” people have to work on “sitting in the discomfort;” well, me, I had to work on “sitting in the comfort.”
I’m not afraid to admit that the first time around, I failed. Epically. I literally could not stand sitting in that “ok feeling” or the feeling that most people call comfort. I couldn’t do it. Therefore, I did the only thing that I could think of to get out of that uncomfortable comfort feeling...I self-sabotaged. Although they are both negative things, chaos and turmoil were what I was used to and I didn’t know how to live my life in a state of peace and contentment. I’m not proud of it, but this self-sabotage landed me in treatment for the second time in a year. It was during that second stint in Arizona that some things started to click in my brain. One being, my “comfort” in the discomfort and really delving into the “whys” behind my self-sabotage.
After the honeymoon period of being home finally wore off this second time around, I found myself right back where I started. Currently I’m in a place of stability and peace, and instead of being happy or relieved or relaxed in this place, I’ve started to panic. The chaos and turmoil around me are gone. Rationally, I know it’s good to be sitting in this place. However, I’m quickly realizing that sitting in the feelings of depression, anxiety, or my ED were much easier than sitting in my current feelings of confidence, contentment, and serenity. I finally understand why my students who exist in chaos create chaos around them. After this experience, it makes complete sense to me why a child would be grasping at anything that is familiar, whether it is positive or negative.
Part of what I’ve learned and practiced this summer is riding the wave of emotions, both good and bad, and realizing that emotions are fleeting. Therefore, realizing that bad feelings and good feelings aren’t permanent, and if I “ride the wave” of each emotion instead of panicking, reverting back to old behaviors, or otherwise making poor choices, that I’m able to keep myself in a more stable place than I’ve ever been able to before. I think some of the biggest growth that I’ve made the past few months is not catastrophizing things as much (one of my specialities). I’ve gotten better at stepping back, taking in the situation, and observing my emotions from a place of curiosity instead of judgment. This shift in my mindset has made all the difference in how I deal with hard things, including “sitting in the comfort.”
If I had a dime for how many times I’ve had a therapist tell me that I need to learn how to, “just sit in it,” I would be rich. In saying that though, I always assumed it was discomfort that they were wanting me to sit in and I usually blew them off because, let’s be honest, I was a self-proclaimed expert in it. Now, I’m realizing that regardless of what they actually meant by it, that I still have some work to do in that area. I may be good at “sitting in it” in the area of discomfort; but sitting in the comfort is another story.
In saying all that, it is not lost on me that I have a lot to be thankful for. The fact that I can practice “sitting in the comfort” and actually be in a place of calm and contentment is huge progress from where I was sitting last year at this time. Each moment that I start getting really uncomfortable or panicked about the general peace in my life, I remind myself of the alternative and try to reframe my mindset to one of gratitude. Although these good feelings are somewhat foreign to me, I’m grateful that I’m able to experience them and start to get accustomed to them. Most of all, I’m so very thankful that my current reality is allowing me to practice “sitting in the comfort” and even though I’m not very good at it yet, I pray that I will continue to get opportunities to work on it and that maybe, someday, “sitting in the comfort” will become the norm for this beautiful life of mine.
Comments