Music has the power to take you back. Take you back to places, to people, to feelings. At least for me, music has always had that power over me. It can make me happy, melancholy, or give me that homesick feeling. You know the one, right? That feeling of being homesick for a place or a person, even if you are home. I love music and its ability to take me to other places and times.
One of my favorite songs right now is, “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury. The words to this song have been ringing in my head for the past few months. Every time, it gives me that homesick feeling and takes me back to Wickenburg. I may have heard it before I went to Arizona, but I didn’t know it well. One of the girls I met at the Ranch is a very talented musician and would frequently play it on her guitar. I quickly fell in love with this song because it was so applicable to my life in those moments where I felt very alone and discouraged while in the desert.
Sometimes I would love to hear her sing it, and other times, when I was in a bad mood, she would start playing and I would feel annoyed. Those were the times I was running from God, and it felt like He was chasing after me no matter how hard I was trying to get away. Thinking back on it, it’s almost comical. I would be out throwing rocks, mad at the world and my life and God, and all of a sudden she would come outside and start playing her guitar from across the yard. One time I even said aloud to God as I was chucking rocks as hard as I could into the desert, “I can’t even get away from You!” In these moments of anger, I would try and put up a wall around my heart so that even the music could not get in. And every time, I would be successful until the lyrics, “When I was your foe, still your love fought for me,” would play and that wall would crumble. Those words got me every time, because there was so much truth to them in my life.
“Reckless Love” got me through some hard times at the Ranch and provided some powerful moments. One night at sunset, a group of us were lounging outside before dinner. We were looking out over the cacti and the desert to the mountains where the sun was disappearing behind them. The sun was coloring the sky the most beautiful shades of pink, purple, red and orange. It was so beautiful that it literally took my breath away. I remember thinking to myself, Hold on to this moment. This is real. This is your life. Make a mental picture of this moment and keep it with you. Even in the moment, I knew how monumental it would be. In the background, my friend was singing “Reckless Love” and women from all walks of life from all over the world were listening, humming, and singing along. This group of women that were brought together in that specific place and time, with our mutual pain and struggles. One of these amazing women made the profound statement, “If God could make a sunset as beautiful as this, and He made us, then we are beautiful too.” That really struck me.
If God could create the splendor in front of me, the cacti, the desert, the mountains, the beautiful sunset, then there must be beauty within me as well.
The other powerful moment was at the end of my stay in Arizona. I had made it to the airport and was sitting on the plane, staring out at the mountains and the sun that had started to peek out from behind the clouds. I was reflecting on my time there and all the realizations I had made. I reflected on my growth, the relationships I had created, and how much my heart had changed from the last time I sat on a plane. The plane taxied away from the gate and we were set at the end of the runway, ready to takeoff. Suddenly, I realized what song was playing in my ears. It was “Reckless Love.” As we gained speed and took off, I listened to the words:
"And oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah"
I smiled as I realized that God had pursued me all the way to the desert. It took going across the country, but He had chased me down and fought for me until I was found. His love for me is unfailing. Even when I was angry and fighting it, He remained beside me.
Before I left for treatment, a group of women from church prayed over me. I was very hesitant about this, but in the end, I decided to let them. In the starving state my brain was in before I left, I had kind of forgotten about that Sunday morning. But when I returned home, I read through the notes that they had written for me while praying and read these words:
“God is not going to push you. He’s going to meet you where you are. He’s going to be patient with you and continue pursuing you, and in your time, He will be there when you’re ready.”
God’s love for me was and is reckless and never-ending. He gently chased me down and fought for me for as long as it took. He fights for me every single day. I don’t deserve His love, but He unconditionally loves me anyway.
I will forever be grateful to The Meadows Ranch and to the amazing people that I met there, who God used to gently push me in the right direction. I fought it, and still fight it at times, but I can see things with so much more clarity now. There’s no shadow He won’t light up, mountain He won’t climb up, coming after me, no wall He won’t kick down, lie He won’t tear down, coming after me. ❤️
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