Several months ago, I came across some tweets by Jon Gordon. If you don’t know him, Jon Gordon is an author and motivational speaker. It was one of those things where you read it, it really hits home, and it sticks with you. It definitely stuck with me and I’ve been mulling over this post for awhile. However, when I went to start writing, I could not for the life of me remember where I read these thoughts that I had been tossing around in my head. I hate it when that happens! Thankfully I came across them again so I can give credit where credit is due.
Anyway, Jon hits on an idea that I’ve thought a lot about ever since I traveled abroad in college. For May Term as a junior, I traveled to Denmark, Norway and England. That is by far the farthest I’ve ever traveled, and there’s definitely a daunting feeling in being so far from the safety and security of home. Throughout this trip, I experienced what Jon is talking about. The farther away from home I was, the more I looked for commonalities in the people around me. You become so desperate for familiarity that you notice things in people that you may not have noticed if you were just going about your daily life.
While in London, I met a couple in my hotel that were wearing Iowa Hawkeye shirts. If you know me, I’m a huge Iowa State fan. But let me tell you, I’ve never been more happy to see that black and gold in my life. If I was home, I would not have thought twice about seeing someone wearing a Hawkeyes shirt. However, halfway across the world, meeting those people and knowing that they were also from Iowa made me want to hug them (even if they were Iowa fans).
I think that there’s an important lesson to this. As Jon states, when you are far away from home and around people that you aren’t familiar with, you start trying to find similarities and trying to find any common ground possible to connect with someone. I’ve found that this is also the same when you’re dropped into a group of strangers. Whether it’s in a new class, sitting at a table with new people at a conference, at a job interview, or in my case, when I first arrived at treatment, you find yourself observing people in hopes to find a talking point or commonality that you can base a first conversation around. Being around strangers or being far away from home not only encourages you to pick up on small details to read people, but often opens your mind to new ideas in hopes you can find something in common with the new people or new environment that you’ve encountered.
On the contrary, the closer we are to home, the more we seem to look for differences that divide us and separate us further from our neighbors. The more familiar we are with a place or group of people, our brain starts to notice all the things that differ between us and them. Whether it’s the political sign in their yard, their opposing sports team attire, comments about a controversial subject, or difference in opinion on a topic that’s important to you, it seems as though we sometimes become focused on that key difference. Becoming focused on our differences with the people in close proximity to us not only stops us from developing meaningful relationships, but can also result in us putting up blinders that don’t allow us to see all the cool similarities or connections that we could discover if we were in a different situation, such as meeting that same person thousands of miles away from home or being stuck in the same class or program with them for months.
Why does it have to be this way? After all, human beings are wired for connection (just ask Brene Brown), which is a reason that humans do such a good job at connecting with others when we feel like it’s a necessity. However, just as human beings are wired for connection, we are also creatures of habit. Therefore, as we move through our everyday lives, connecting and interacting with people, especially new people, moves down on our list of priorities. Hence, why we don’t often spend time looking for new connections in the day to day.
As I’ve reflected on this idea, I can see stark examples of this phenomenon in my daily life. You see, as you all know by now, I’m a creature of habit. I love my routine and I love “my people.” They’re the ones that I already have relationships with, that have known me for a while. They’re the ones that I don’t have to put a lot of energy into maintaining the relationship, not because I don’t care, but because meeting new people and investing in new relationships can be really daunting and scary to me. Everyday life=comfortable. I don’t spend a lot of time trying to meet new people or create new friendships (although I’m working on it!) because in my day-to-day, the necessity to do that normally isn’t there.
However, when I’m plucked from my everyday life, I find myself desperately looking for connections and bringing out the “inner-charming/charismatic/outgoing Cassie” that isn’t regularly seen by people in my daily life. One thing that’s hard to explain to people about treatment is not only being taken out of your normal routine and environment, but literally being dropped into a house of strangers and being expected to assimilate into whatever environment exists in the house at the time. The hardest time of each treatment experience for me, hands-down, was the first 48 hours. There is so much observing and awkward small talk, picking up on others’ existing relationships, who likes who and doesn’t like who, uncomfortably eavesdropping and contributing to conversations, and frantically searching for some sort of commonality with someone that could result in a real conversation or sometimes even just eye-contact and a small smile. I’m telling you, it’s so intimidating to be placed into an environment where everyone already knows each other and be expected to somehow find your way within that group as an outsider. In the past, this is a huge weakness for me, meeting new people and being “personable,” but with this intense practice, I’m starting to get better.
As I’ve thought about this for myself, and also for human beings in general, it seems like such a simple idea. To realize that in your daily life, you don’t naturally look for similarities and connections with people, so then you become intentional in your daily interactions with people to change your perspective. Easier said than done, I know. But really, I think awareness is a good first step. Being able to look at yourself, your normal patterns, personality type, and behaviors, and then reflecting on ways that you can be intentional about connecting with someone new or someone that already exists in your life. In fact, it could very well be someone that you interact with a lot, but have a hard time liking or agreeing with. Instead of focusing on all the things about that person that you disagree with, don’t like, or find annoying, spend time looking for similarities. Really try and find some common ground, even if it’s something simple, and you will be surprised how it can slowly change your perspective on that person. No, you still probably won’t agree with them and yes, they probably will still annoy you, but by finding some small connection with them, it will likely make your interactions with them a bit easier.
Overall, I think that if we spent more time looking for what we have in common with our neighbors, coworkers, and others that we interact with instead of pinpointing and focusing on our differences, our world would be a very different place. Many of the arguments that happen between people in any setting are most often because of a disagreement on one small subject. We focus so much on what we don’t agree on and how different we are that we don’t realize how many things that we do have in common. Therefore, I encourage you to reflect on the people that you interact with each day. Who is someone that you don’t feel like you have a good connection with, for any reason? Who do you struggle with interacting with, or who do you interact with often but feel as though you don’t know? Make a conscious effort to focus on the similarities you have with that person. Take time to have a conversation, get to know them better, and find something small that could change your perspective. It sounds simple, but it could make a big difference.
I think that the great poet, Maya Angelou, says it best:
💜
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