What To Say (and Not To Say) To Someone With An Eating Disorder

I’ve started this post four different times. Each time, I get about half a page through and I trash it. Nothing seems to be coming out right. Next week is National Eating Disorder Awareness week. A week that means a lot to me, and also brings up a lot of conflicting feelings. I know I mention eating disorders quite a bit on my blog, because that remains my reality right now. However, during this time, I feel like I can take a more educational-type approach in the spirit of the coming week, which is to raise awareness. So for my next two posts, I’m going to try and do just that. I’m still not sure what my post will look like next week, I’ve been tossing around several different ideas in my head.

However, this week, I thought I would talk about things that you should NOT say to someone with an eating disorder and some ways that you can support that person instead. I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile. I wish I could just take all the information from it, make it into a handout, and start handing it out every time someone says the wrong thing even though they have good intentions. It happens several times a week and I have to remind myself that just because people don’t know, doesn’t mean that they are trying to be hurtful or ignorant on purpose. They just don’t know. So even though not everyone will read this post, it’s at least a start.

Disclaimer: I can only attest to my own experiences, therefore, other people may have different opinions or realities.

What NOT to say to someone struggling with an eating disorder:

1. "You’re so good. I wish I had as good of self-control as you."

• Eating disorders are NOT about self-control. In fact, eating disorders are about a lot more than just food. In most cases, control around food is how underlying issues come out, not the focus of said issues. By insinuating that there is something good about starving oneself or that having an eating disorder is the same thing as having strong willpower, you are in fact making the problem much worse.

2. "I wish I had a little bit of an eating disorder and then I wouldn’t be fat."

• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Wishing that you had a little bit of an eating disorder is not only really ignorant, but very dangerous. One in five anorexia deaths is by suicide, which shows how horrific the disease is not only on your physical health, but your mental and emotional health.

3. "I’m so bad, I shouldn’t be eating this dessert."

• Insinuating that you are bad because you are eating a food that is considered “bad” for you is perpetuating the damaging narrative of diet culture that there is such a thing as good foods and bad foods. When in reality, food is food, and there should be no negative feelings or attitudes toward foods regardless of their nutritional content. Classifying foods as good and bad just exacerbates the already horrifying negative effects of diet culture and sends negative messages to other adults (and children) that there is something wrong with you for eating foods that you enjoy.

4. "I’m going to have to work out so much to make up for all the food I’m eating."

• Our society already puts an incredible amount of pressure on people to look a certain way. As a result of this attitude that you need to be lean and toned/muscular to be healthy, fatphobia is running rampant. In addition, talking about exercise in this way, with the attitude that you can “make up for” foods that you eat is incredibly damaging to someone that is recovering from an exercise addiction (and is just not true).

5. "You look so skinny!"

• NO ONE has a right to comment on anyone else’s body, whether it is positive or not. If this is something that you routinely do, even if you think you’re being nice, please reconsider! There are many reasons to not comment on someone's body, I’ll do a follow up blog post, but in short, you never know the reasons for someone’s body changes. Again, it is NEVER ok for you to comment on someone else’s body, and it is NEVER ok for someone to comment on yours.

6. "Why don’t you just eat?"

• As I said above, eating disorders are about so much more than food. To be honest, as my dietitian and I talk about almost weekly, food often times does not have anything to do with what is going on in my life. It just happens to be how my struggles are presenting at the time. It’s also the coping skill that has worked for me in the past, and by controlling what I ate and how much I exercised, I felt like I was in control of something. Eating disorders are not a choice, and if it was as easy as “just eating” no one would ever have to suffer, go to treatment, or die from this terrible disease.

7. "I feel so fat today."

• By making negative comments about your body in front of others, you are drawing attention not only to your body but also to theirs. Body image is something that everyone with eating disorders struggle with, and by making negative comments about your body, it opens the door for comparison and competition. Someone struggling with an eating disorder's mind is likely already ruminating over how they look and how they compare to others, and your comment just makes it that much worse.

8. "If you think you’re fat, I wonder what you must think of me."

• Working off the previous one, eating disorders are so complex. It’s about your body, but then it’s not all at the same time. Honestly, speaking for myself, I’m so preoccupied with negative feelings about my own body, I don’t have much time to judge anyone else’s. Also, I give others so much more grace than myself. Therefore, I can almost guarantee you that I’m passing no judgment on you, your body, or your habits because I’m so focused on quieting the already loud judgmental voice yelling at me in my own brain.

9. "I went through a phase of not eating too/I had an eating disorder in high school, so I understand what you’re going through."

• I struggle a lot with this one. I understand enough about human psychology that connection is important for us as human beings. Part of connection is finding similarities and commonalities in our experiences. However, be careful about comparing your experiences to someone else’s. Many people struggle with body image/weight at some point in their lives, especially women, but just because you’ve struggled with your weight does not mean that you necessarily know what it means to have an eating disorder since there is so much more to eating disorders than just the weight piece. I encourage you to be a good listener and finding common ground is good, but telling someone with an eating disorder that you know what they’re going through when you may not can be detrimental.

10. "But you don’t look that skinny."

• YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. There are a lot of kinds of eating disorders and many of them can present in people who are of "average" or "above average" weight. By assuming that all eating disorders look like someone who is emaciated, you are buying into that (very wrong) stereotype. Personally, my eating disorder behaviors fell into the OSFED category (Other Specified Feeding or Eating Disorder) but presented as Atypical Anorexia, which pretty much means that I met the criteria of Anorexia except that my weight was still considered to be in the “normal" range.

11. "You look so healthy."

• Again, even if you have the best intentions, comments like this can be damaging, especially to someone just returning from treatment. When I got home, I had a lot of comments similar to this one. I know that people didn’t know what to say, but for me and many others, this comment translated in my brain from “You look so healthy” to “You’ve gained weight.” There are so many non-appearance compliments that you can give someone instead that are far less likely to get misconstrued.

((This is me challenging my perfectionism and the temptation to delete one so that it’s an even-numbered list))

What TO say to someone struggling with an eating disorder:

1. “I see how hard you’re working” or “I’m proud of you.”

• Non-appearance based compliments and validation help so much by showing that you see how hard the person is working while focusing on something that is not the person’s appearance. Recovering from an eating disorder is a constant struggle and it helps to feel like all the hard work is being recognized and appreciated.

2. "I may not completely understand, but I’m here for you."

• Admitting that you don’t understand is totally ok! I would much rather someone admit that they don’t understand than assume that they know how I’m feeling. Making your presence known and reassuring the person that you’re going to be there for them goes a long way in feeling like you’re not alone.

3. "How are you doing?"

• Sometimes, you just need someone to listen. I think that these can be some of the most powerful words IF they are asked in a genuine, meaningful way. Be willing to ask, then be willing to actively listen. When you’re being an active listener, listen to understand, not to respond. Chances are, in the end, you being there to truly listen will mean much more than anything you contribute to the conversation.

4. "What can I do to support you?"

• It’s easy to assume what we think people need from us. Instead, asking what you can do to support them and realizing that they may not be able to answer the question right away. This is not a question that we are asked very often and it can take some time to reflect on it. Give the person time to think about it, and then do your very best to follow through. If their request is too much for you for whatever reason, set a boundary and tell them right away so there aren’t any hurt feelings.

5. "I care about you."

• Struggling with an eating disorder is brutal. You often feel alone, isolated, and misunderstood. In addition, you are battling a voice in your head that’s dead set on your own personal destruction. Knowing that you have people in your corner that care about you, no matter what you look like or what you do, can make a huge difference and make you feel less lonely.

---

In saying all of this, I realize that not everyone is the same and people have different needs and preferences around how to be best supported during this journey. Therefore, these suggestions are based on my reality and my experiences as well as my conversations and experiences supporting other people who are struggling with different kinds of eating disorders.

In the end, it comes down to open communication with your loved one and being supportive in whatever ways you’re able. The very best thing that my family and friends have done for me? Becoming more educated on what eating disorders are and how they work! My brother read several books before I came home from treatment the first time and then was not afraid to ask questions about things that he didn’t know or understand. My parents were willing to go to Family Week, were open to learning about something that I know was not easy for them, and afterwards, have worked hard to maintain open lines of communication. These things have made a tremendous difference in our relationship and their ability to support me. Lastly, I’ve had a few friends ask for a book recommendation that does a good job at explaining what eating disorders are and how they can support me.

Above anything else, the willingness to ask questions and have hard conversations is hands-down the most powerful thing my people have done to support me. Not talking around the eating disorder or pretending it’s not there, but addressing it with questions about things that they aren’t sure about has helped me feel far less isolated and alone in this journey. If you take nothing else from this post, I hope that you will be more mindful of the words that you use and remember just how powerful it is to sit with someone and be truly present with them in their struggle, whatever their struggle may be.