Dear Cassie,
You saw your weight this week for the first time in almost two years. The number that you saw really freaked you out and really tempted you to go back to old behaviors that you used to do that hurt me. You’ve been on the fence about it all week long. I thought maybe if you heard my point of view, you may reconsider. All I’m asking is that you hear me out.
Almost two years ago, you wrote me a letter. You were in treatment and feeling especially empowered and hopeful about your future free of your eating disorder. It was two days before you broke me, our back to be specific, but even before that, you were starting to see that maybe I wasn’t the enemy after all. You detailed all the atrocities that you brought upon me in an honest, apologetic way. You started to realize all the pain and punishment you put me through. You said you were sorry and that you would stop. You also started to see all the amazing things I do for you on a daily basis.
Then, that day happened. I listened to you as you were laying alone in that ER, bargaining with God, promising Him that you would treat me well for the rest of your days if He would just allow you to be able to walk and be “normal” again. That you would never go back to your eating disorder again, that you would never cut me again, that you would not run me into the ground anymore. I heard all of those things, and it was my turn to feel hopeful. I thought maybe that breaking me, being so close to such a different life, would be what would finally bring you back to me.
That probably sounds kind of funny. “Bring you back to me” doesn’t seem to make sense since you ARE me and I AM you. But you know exactly what I mean. We haven’t been connected for a really long time. You slowly but deliberately disconnected yourself from me and decided that instead of loving me and letting me love you, that I was the enemy. You’ve considered me your enemy for a very long time. All your anger and frustration you’ve felt in your life, you’ve turned it all back on me. You tell people that you can “flip the switch” and not feel any feelings. That’s something that you’re especially proud of, and something that makes me especially sad. You can “flip the switch” not because you are some superhero that doesn’t have to feel emotions, but because you made the choice to disconnect from me. You may think that it’s helpful. But in reality, it just pits you against me even more.
I hear you tell people, “I hate my body and it hates me too.” Cassie, that is so far from the truth. You may hate me, but I’ve never hated you. In fact, it’s my life’s work to love you, and to love you well. I have the most important jobs of anyone, and I pride myself on doing them as well as possible. I keep your heart beating, even on those occasions you willed it to stop. I house your beautiful, intelligent brain. The brain that’s going to write a book for you someday. The brain that allows you to be empathetic and compassionate and see people so clearly. I power your muscles, the muscles that allowed you to achieve your dream of playing college basketball, to lift weights, and to run the hundreds of miles you’ve run the past couple of years. Even when you were trying to hurt me, I powered your body through all the workouts where you tried to escape from yourself. It is me who allows you to throw Luke up in the air and to hear his giggles of delight. I’m the one who gives you the energy to chase Adam around and the one who gives him your braid to twirl when he’s tired. I help you to pick up Rocky and put him in your bed at night when he refuses to jump up there on his own, and to hug all your people that you love so much. I do all these things for you, even when you tell everyone how much you hate me...because I love you.
You are convinced that I hate you mostly because you’re frustrated that you can’t control my weight and my appearance. You think that by me gaining weight, that I’m getting back at you for all the times that you treated me badly. Yet, that’s not really how it works. I don’t do any of those things to hurt you, or because I hate you. I’m just trying to keep you alive and healthy in the best ways I know how. I just get a little nervous when I think that you’re going to go back to old behaviors.
I know what it feels like to be starved. I know what it feels like to wonder if I’ll ever get food again and how it feels to operate on less than 20% of the needed calories to survive. I took care of you, even then, by slowing down your metabolism and storing as much fat as possible so that I could keep your brain and your organs working. I never want to have to feel that way again. When you start restricting your food intake, or exercising excessively, I get a little nervous that it may happen again. So, in order to take the very best care of you, I get a little touchy. I may put on some extra weight when I’m scared. I may be more sensitive than your friends’ bodies because their bodies haven’t known the trauma that I knew during those times you were deep into your eating disorder. You compare me and my reactions to your friends’ bodies and their reactions, and feel that I’m treating you unfairly. This makes you think that I’m blackmailing you, or torturing you on purpose. In reality, I’m just trying my best to keep you alive.
I just want you to be healthy and happy and connected. I wish that when I told you that I’m hungry or that I’m full, that it wouldn’t freak you out and make you feel out of control. I wish that when I told you that I’m tired or in pain, that it wouldn’t make you work harder, but instead give me rest. I wish that listening to what I’m telling you wasn’t the last thing that you want to do. I wish that you would see me as your teammate, as your friend, as your ally instead of seeing me as your arch nemesis. I wish that you would find your way back to me. That you would connect to me again and listen to what I’m telling you instead of blocking me out.
As frustrating as it is for you, we’re stuck with each other. When you saw your weight this past week, you were so angry at me. You want to go back to your eating disorder behaviors because you think that they will make you feel safe and will make me look the way that you wish I would look. What I want you to remember is that your eating disorder is anything but safe. It wants you to think you’re safe, but is actually slowly killing you, killing us. I want you to remember that even though you may be able to control me briefly, I will always have a set point weight that I feel the safest at. In fact, each time you restrict food from me, I panic and push your set point up higher and higher. So each time you do the eating disorder dance, go to treatment, go through the refeeding process, and start again...you are actually pushing my set point higher and your weight goals even more out of reach.
I wish that you would see me for all the amazing things that I do for you, and not just for what you see in the mirror or the number you see on the scale. I wish that instead of always trying to fight me and defeat me, that you would work with me.
You are stuck with me forever. All I want for you is to be safe and healthy and happy and thriving and I will keep working toward those goals every second of every day for as long as we live. That’s my promise to you. I want to call a truce. I don’t want you to think that I hate you and I wish that you wouldn’t hate me. I understand that it’s going to take time to heal our relationship. For me, to trust that you will feed me enough and rest me enough and take care of me. And for you, to trust that I have your best interests at heart always and do the things that I do because I’m trying to keep you safe, not punish you. It will take time. But in the meantime, let’s try for that truce, ok? No more hating. No more punishing. We can work toward trusting and appreciating and maybe even some day...you loving me. Because I have always, and will always, love you.
With Love,
Your Body
