~Transformation~

One year ago today, I checked myself into The Meadows Ranch in Arizona to receive intensive treatment for my eating disorder. In some ways, that day seems like a lifetime ago and in some ways, it feels like yesterday. I've been thinking a lot about how much has changed this year. It's hard to put into words, but if you put these two pictures side by side, the story starts to speak for itself.

The girl on the left is me at this same time last year. The girl on the right is this year. Let me tell you a little bit about the transformation between the two.

The girl on the left, even though she may look "ok" is actually very sick. The dark circles under her eyes reflect her exhaustion from starving herself. Her nephew that she's holding, although little, seemed heavy in her weak arms. Her smile is forced, almost pained. A couple days before this picture was taken, she could not remember where she parked her car in a mostly empty parking lot. She was running 5-8 miles each day, sometimes in the dark of night, and consuming little to no food. She was in physical therapy a couple times a week for an overuse injury of her hip, yet could not force herself to take the break her body needed, only caring about how many calories she could burn each day. Her resting heart rate was dangerously low, she could not maintain a regular body temperature and was freezing all the time. She was dropping things often, misspeaking constantly and suffered from general confusion and lack of short term memory. In the evenings when she would finally sit down, she could not stay awake and was nearly impossible to wake up. The girl on the left, although she may look "ok" was literally dying. A month more of what she was doing could very well have resulted in a heart attack due to imbalanced electrolytes or a stroke. This girl was deathly ill, yet had no idea how dire her situation was until multiple doctors laid out all the facts for her a month later. The girl on the left was so sick, that I have very little memory of September/October of last year, only piecing these facts together from my daily journals and conversations with those who cared for me at this time.

The girl on the left was me one year ago and even though she is me, I barely recognize her.

The girl on the right, is a totally different person. She is two months out from her second time in treatment in a year. Her eyes are full of life, her smile is genuine. The gallon of cider in her hand is neither heavy, nor scary to drink, no matter how many calories it contains. There are no dark circles under her eyes. Her body is stable and strong and well-nourished. This girl has learned so much about herself, her temperament, and her strengths. She is self aware and knows her weaknesses and limitations, yet is not defined by them. She is more confident, more authentic, and not afraid to own her story no matter how ugly it may be. She has learned that she is capable of getting through and doing hard things. This girl is in her happy place, with the girls she has strived to be a positive role model for since they were tiny. Now, she feels able and confident in her ability to be the person they have always seen her as. The girl on the right had the incredible courage to return to treatment and sacrificed her whole summer to fully surrender to the process and make the biggest investment in herself and her future possible. During that time, she let people in and was truly vulnerable. She now has a solid treatment team that knows how to get through to her, and she is comfortable asking them for help when needed. She has an amazing tribe surrounding her, people that have stuck by her throughout this long journey. Deep down, she is more at peace than she has ever been before. She has hopes and dreams of writing a book so that her story can help, inspire, and empower others. This girl is free and loved and able to see the endless opportunities for her future.

The girl on the right, well, she's very much alive and looking at where she came from last year, that's truly a miracle.

I've been reflecting on this transformation a lot the past month or so. It truly blows my mind how much can change in a year. I thank God every day for the staff at The Meadows Ranch, my current treatment team, and the people who never gave up on me, even at my most stubborn and lowest points. This year has shown me how capable and strong I am. It has given me so many new relationships and opportunities I would not have otherwise had. I’ve been gifted a second chance at this life, and I fully intend to take full advantage of all the opportunities that are in store for me. Most of all, this year has clearly illustrated for me that God has a perfect plan for my life and is constantly making all things work together for my good.

I’m thankful for both of these girls and the journey I’ve been on to transform from the girl on the left to the girl on the right. The girl on the left was dying. By the grace of God, the girl on the right...she could not be more alive.💜