Well, it’s been awhile, huh? It seems like historically, whenever I’ve felt really busy and overwhelmed, life just says, “You think this is bad? Just wait…” Maybe that’s a little pessimistic sounding, but I’m honestly feeling a little pessimistic at the moment. I can’t imagine that I’m the only one feeling a little "glass half empty" in the midst of this shitty year we’ve all been collectively having. In danger of sounding like my brother, Gabe, not only on the take of the year, but also with the use of the word ‘collectively,’ I digress. For now. At least about the year 2020.
What I actually wanted to talk about is birthdays. As many of you know, my birthday was yesterday and I turned 30. Not gonna lie, I’ve been struggling with it. When I was a kid, I felt like 30 was so far away. I never really thought of it as old, but I did think of it as a year where I would have a lot of my life figured out. Last year, I posted my “Before 30 Checklist” post around this time, with similar feelings. The pressure that society puts on 20-somethings to get their life together and to figure everything out is very heavy. But, turning 30? I think that’s where the pressure intensifies. People expect you to be married, with kids, and have it all together, three things that I most definitely do not have.
However, since I already beat that topic to death last year, I’m going to leave it alone for now. You can click on the link and revisit it if you’d like. As for now, my feelings haven’t changed. If anything, they’ve intensified, but there’s nothing really new to say. So on that note, I’ll step away from that topic as well.
You may be wondering, what topic is she actually going to stick with? Ha! I’m kind of wondering the same thing if I’m being completely honest. I didn’t do a good job at organizing my thoughts before I started typing evidently. Maybe I'm a little rusty. I said above that I was going to avoid sounding like my brother, Gabe, but actually, I may take a page out of his blog “book” and hit you guys with a proposal. (Be sure to check out his proposal blogs if you feel inclined! I don’t always completely agree with him, but I’m never not impressed with his extraordinary writing ability!)
I have a proposal for you all today, and it’s about birthdays. In my therapy session the night before my birthday, I was telling my therapist how much I hated my birthday. I know…*gasp*...how does anyone hate their birthday? Well, that’s kind of what she asked me and I didn’t exactly know how to answer that. I think it’s a mixture of things including not liking getting older, not liking the spotlight being on me, the pressure I put on myself to make the next year “different” from the one before, and the fact that when you’re an adult, no one really cares much about your birthday. When you’re a kid, your birthday is a big deal. When you grow up, no one seems to care, even you.
So here’s my proposal...we make birthdays a big deal again, not just for kids, but adults too!
Hear me out on this. Like I said, I hate my birthday and if you’re in the same boat, don’t knock my idea quite yet. Give it a chance.
Throughout my stints in treatment and in therapy, I have been required to take the love language test a few times. If you’re not familiar with love languages, it was originally a book, but also a quiz that you can take to see how you most want to receive love. Humans tend to give love to others in the same way that we like to receive it. Which is fine, if the other person has the same love language and preferences as you. But if they don’t, there can be a major disconnect there.
My parents and I had to take the Love Language quiz during Family Week in treatment because it’s not only important to know if you have a significant other, but also for your family members and close friends. When I took the quiz, I found out the Gifts & Physical Touch are my two lowest love languages, or the ones that I prefer the least. Words of Affirmation & Quality Time are my two highest. So you all may seem to see an issue there, birthday-wise, right? On birthdays, we tend to give gifts, and gifts are definitely not the way to my heart. Obviously, there are gifts that I do like and I have appreciated gifts I have received throughout the years, but they aren’t my preferred way to receive love. What I would much rather receive instead of a gift? Spending quality time with you or hearing things that you appreciate or love about me (and guess what? Those two things are much cheaper! 😜).
So...here’s my proposal. We make adult birthdays a big deal again. But not necessarily with gifts (unless that’s their love language of course). What if on someone’s birthday, we went out of our way to spend some time with them, write them an appreciation note or card, or just take the time to call, text, or talk to them about what you appreciate about them and love about them? I would LOVE that and I would venture a guess that others would too, regardless of their love language.
The other night, my therapist also asked me about my best birthday, as an adult. As a kid, I had a lot of really good ones, which I proceeded to tell her about in hopes that she would forget the “adult” part. But no matter how much I try to deflect, therapists are pretty good at sticking with their original point. I didn’t have to think too hard about my favorite adult birthday, I just sometimes hesitate to talk about it because it sounds kinda weird. My favorite adult birthday was...in eating disorder treatment. Weird huh? Well, after talking through it, now, it kind of makes sense.
Let me give a quick shout out to the people that made said birthday amazing that day 2 years ago. You know who you are and I’m pretty sure a few of you keep up with these blogs. You guys, that day was awesome. It’s hard to put it into words. You have to understand that there are a lot of rules in treatment, so making it an amazing day was a pretty impressive feat. There were homemade signs everywhere, a birthday balloon, a special place at the table, being sung to in my hospital gown first thing in the morning, a volleyball game (where they let us actually have physical activity!), a movie outing, a special, homemade cookie cake (thanks Karen & Kristy), special notes in my cubby, a handwritten card signed by everyone, and just the general feeling that I was important. There’s the key. The feeling that I was important, that I mattered, that people cared that I existed. You see, in treatment, there’s no gifts. There aren't a lot of physical things that can be given. But all the notes and signs and kind words and quality time made that day a day that I would never forget. For someone that had been struggling with self-esteem and generally just being alive, it was a big deal to feel like there were people that cared about my existence.
After talking that all through the other night, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I keep thinking...what if we made everyone feel that way on their birthday? What if we made it abundantly clear that we are grateful for their existence & so happy that they were born & are on this Earth & in our lives? Would it be hard to send a card with a little note? Or to write a little more than just “Happy Birthday” on their Facebook wall? To text or to call or to FaceTime or stop by and tell them just how much they mean to you?
I’m going to focus on that this next year, to try and create the birthday experience that I was blessed to get a couple years ago for the people that are closest to me. I’ve learned that even little things go a long way, and if I’m able to make someone feel special for being born and existing on this Earth, then why wouldn’t I want to do that?!
So, there it is. My birthday proposal. With all of that being said, regardless of my negative birthday feelings, I had a lot of cool things happen to me yesterday. First off, EVERY SINGLE ONE of my students told me happy birthday, emailed me, sang to me, wrote to me in the Google Meet chat box, or all the above. Wow. Amazing right? I had 60+ people post on my Facebook wall, numerous texts and calls, an adorable snap from my nephew, Adam, cards sent in the mail, a couple gifts, a delivered Peony Chinese dinner, and my favorite birthday cake from my grandma. It was a good birthday and I don’t want to give the idea that it wasn’t. Especially for it being in the middle of a global pandemic, it was about as good as it could get. I felt like people cared about my existence and were grateful that I was born. Now, I can’t wait to pay it forward for all of you this upcoming year!
Next time someone in your life has a birthday, I hope you think about this post. I hope you take the time to tell them how much they mean to you or do something for them to make them feel like they are loved and that they matter.
It truly is the little things...and I don’t think we always realize the gravity of those little things in someone’s life.💜
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